Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Friday, 18 December 2009
Cah that's how the justice system works? Didn't you know?!
It worked for BOSSMAN, BBK wore a lickle tee and HEY PRESTO he was released after serving just 3 years of his 3 year sentance. WHOOP!
Banton, whose real name is Mark Anthony Myrie, has been charged with conspiracy to possess with the intent to distribute an illegal substance. According to the affidavit from the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the reggae artist and two other individuals traveled to Sarasota last week to purchase a large quantity of cocaine from an undercover officer. The quantity was more than 5 kilos, which carries a maximum of a 20-year sentence.
OBVS he was smuggling drugs he's a frikkin Reggae star! To be honest, i'd think less of him if he DIDN'T smuggle drugs.
Mek 'im cum bacckkk :(
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Monday, 14 December 2009
We went Nando's and she got TABLE SERVICE.
That's how SICK she is.
She helped me to create the 'NO HOMOBASE - mi nuh deal wit tongue and groove, strictkly 'ard wood'
Which still meks me laugh NUFF.
Fallah her and tell her she's a BAD 'OOMAN CAH I SAID SO
Friday, 11 December 2009
- Mulled wine - it doesn't really taste that great BUT its perfectly acceptable to drink it any time of day and its hot and its got spices and iron in so its good for you
- Everyone is on partying!! THE best one will be DJ Yasmin's bday on the 20th - come for much hoofage
- MISTLETOE - this basically allows you to lips bare people and they HAVE to do it. I'm putting it in my knickers and using my fave line "Give ah kitty ah kiss"
- Presents - OBVS - are great. Because its stuff you didn't have and then you do. I love stuff.
- FOOD - my mum cooks THE best xmas dinner
So basically I'm excited about the festive season.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Not all was lost as I found the perfect medium to try and seduce him 1-on-1 – INTERVIEW!
Hopefully the first in a long line of PTC Meets……
PTC MEETS (aka tries to do sex with) Shizzle
[Hmmm I begin mentally choosing some PPS for Shizzle’s next performance]
[He loves PPS AND Camelhoof – WIN, WIN, WIN]
6) PTC are totally intrigued about your lyric 'Mi buddy thicker dan mi calf' - is this true?! *swoon*
[At this point I’m left unable to ask any further questions as my mind has gone off into full on fantasy mode….the lips, the lips….]
You can listen to and watch Shizzle being buff and talented at
In particular check out ‘Uhrah’ and ‘The Greatest’ – my faves.
I’m more than a little in lovvveeeeee
Friday, 20 November 2009
Not only are you doing a lame 'thumbs up' sign, not only do you have a terrified look on your face but you're sporting
IN 2009 - THAT'S NOT GANGSTER
Please get a new haircut and stop ruining pictures of fit emcees with your tennis player wigstyle.
Ooh try an afro or dreds
Saturday, 14 November 2009
THEY BE CRAZY.
I coud blog all day about how eff'd up, fun and amusing it was but then I woudn't get to the hacktual point of my story and the reason i'm doing this ere bloggy. So the highlights were;
- Learning about Brandy&Baileys - this drink will fuck your 'ole life up rooodeboy
- My friends just stopping me going to a houseparty with a guy we met in the street - he was raving to his own 'head music' and trying to forcefeed me ketamine
- The Irish version of 'Joey' - "How are youuu doooing?"
- A guy whistling for his kids, then laughing and claiming they were "Just like dags" when they came running
- A houseparty where guys were dipping spoons into bags of cocaine - I swear I thought I was in Scarface. Except it was cold, and nobody was wearing open hawian shirts
- A guy at the above mentioned party making me talk to his dog. "Look into his eyes, he's a clever focker. Ah, talk to him"
My point - I did have one, swear down.
So the boys there were JOKES - and the thing that gave me the biggest jokes was the way they say
"WHAT?" - like alllllllll the time bllllaaaddd.
Like this >>> http://www.divshare.com/download/9350923-ce6
I used to call their names just to hear it.
So much so that one time I tried to get them to do it and one of the guys goes >>
"Don't be saying it, they TRIVE off it"
Pahahhahahahha I DID - I WAS HYPED OFF THAT SHIIIITTT.
MR ANON - CARRY ON POSTING YA HYPE CHAT ON ERE - CARRY ON READING WHAT I WRITE AND GETTING PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.
CAH YOU KNOW WHAT,
I 'TRIVE' OFF IT
Friday, 13 November 2009
"bollox... how much hating on tha girl, how i see it, u cant hate her that much, cuz uve took time out to blog about her, soooo instead of beggin blogpost views by even mentioning her name, i say u go find sumfin else 2blog about u bunch of twats.. i mean, do any of u even have a career, a day job, 9 - 5 .. anything that doesnt revolve around this bullshit blog site? how ridiculous really.. an bout u run tings, lmfaooo which fuckin part.. always gonna be low level, BLOGPOST, bullshitting CRAP... so blog about that bithces"
So basically AHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for stopping by, taking some time out and having a read, god I love anons.
Please continue to vent as I love it when we cause offence.
PTC & HOSTILE ANONS- (don't feel left out those with premature menopause) FO LIFE. x
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
I shall attempt to catch you up on whats been going on in my life.
First - after due to the rampant success of my pimped snail ( http://camelhoof.blogspot.com/2009/08/all-that-glitters-might-not-be-gold-but.html )
I decided I should move onto something more substantial.
I went to check my mums bredrin as she had just bought some bare small tortoises.
THEY WERE FUCKING SICK.
But they were too small to have too many sequins pon dem PLUS they were £160 EACH. Basikally, I told her to suck out.
So then I went away with my fambily to a place called THE NEW FOREST.
I tried to tek a picture of my dad but when I told him it was going on the CamelHoof blog he started hiding. I should have been ore stealth. Bless his poor picky headtop xx
TBH I dunno why they call it a forest cah its just fields, trees and BAAARRRRREEEE ponies.
Everywhere you go, there are nuff ponies. Imagine Hackney with the roodeboys substituted fi ponies. ITS THAT.
You have to stop the car for them:
The bestest thing about the N.F (not National Front #nationalfrontfidead) was a heavenly invention called "CLOTTED CREAM TEAS"
Imagine if you had a raper at the bar buying you a rum and coke, an emcee spitting about how fit you are and how good your leggings look on stage and a road rooodeboy daggering you to the sounds of Vybz >> THATS how these make you feel.
Erm, them I came home. And this stuff all happened >>
Thursday, 22 October 2009
He is touching my heart in a way usually reserved for my PTC massive and rooodeboyz in string vests for these following reasons.
- He films fit rappers/emcee's and brings them to one sex'd up location pon my screen
- He is on twitta even more than me
- He is fully down with the PTC
- He's made some FIT t-shirts (which would look infinately better on my bedroom floor Junior, hallah)
- He has good hair
So. PTC&SBTV - I think the only thing left to do is a collab really! So, erm...... you should come to Yaz's night on the 1st and film some hoof
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
Now I love mc's - I love Grimey lyrics - it stands to reason that two mc's battling it out lyrically in a basement surrounded by other mc's is enough to get me slick in ma panties.
And that's how I first discovered the sex appeal of Scratchy.
With his bed-head hair, heroin chic cheek bones and off the wall style - he was BEAUTIFUL.
I loved him even more when Roll Deep took over RWD Mag and he did an article on his different hairstyles. SWOON.
Scratchy, I quite wanna do some sex with you so holla - that is, as long as you don't smell - I worry you look as if you might :(
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Ah yes, dancing. After all dancing is not only an excellent way to keep fit but it is also "a vertical expression of a horizontal wish" and all those other prudish ways of saying that dancing is basically sex minus the exchange of bodily fluids (unless you're lucky).
There are only 3 types of dance a PTC girl should aim to master:
So how the FUCK is 12pm MIDDAY?! I only just got up fool-fool inventor of time (Is that you God, did you invent that?! 'Av a word wit yaself)
12pm is like breakfast time - 'I'm just about ready to go out in public' O'clock.
And 12am - MIDNIGHT?! Nah blad, I just got ere. 12am is more like 'I've had one-two brandy and I am at my sexual and aesthetic peak for the night' (later my hair will go frizzy, I'll start proclaiming loudly that I 'DON'T GIVE A RARSE-CLART' and my wetlook leggings will be doused in Wray and Nephews from where I tried to impersonate a Dancehall Queen on the bar)
So these times are all wrong! 12pm isn't the middle of the day - 4pm is. And 12am isn't the middle of the night - 4am is! So God, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawkings, Darwin, Griminal - whichever of you invented this time ting please rectify.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
The tune is a smolchy piece of crap - swear I heard you were working with Will.I.Am? Well he either boy'd you off in a big way or he gave up. And she has some weird synthetic voice thingy.
The video is SHIT.
What fucking tune are you dancing to!? You're in some 'sexy urban' wear and krumping ya way through 3 minutes of crap. Maybe she was wearing headphones because she sure as hell wasn't dancing to that crap.
And while I'm on the subject -
Ya 'marriage' to Ashley-suck-a-dick-Cole.
So, rewind our minds back to 2003 when a young Miss Tweed is on a night out (no doubt in full velour) and manages to get in a fight with the toilet attendant, calling her a 'black bitch'.
"On the night of the assault, Cheryl Tweedy was already wasted - on vodka and Red Bull, wine and complimentary champagne - when she staggered down to the ladies' lavatories. There sat 38-year-old Sophie Amogbokpa, a black lavatory attendant, who earned a paltry £25 a night with which she funded her part-time law degree. In the course of a dispute - during which Miss Amogbokpa requested that Tweedy pay up for the sweets she had snatched - an energised Tweedy punched her very hard in the eye. In the pictures, Amogbokpa looked as if she had been horribly mugged: she suffered pain for weeks."
Taken from The Telegraph no less!
So Cheryl is a racist little prick.
About this same time rumors surface pon da net that Asley has been getting his cock sucked by Masterstepz. Stepz has a very pronounced under bite, I reckon that might make for good head?
So, 1 pop starlet branded a racist and 1 footballer announced as the only gay in Chelsea Village.
Hmmmm what to do?!
Fast forward and the pair are convienantly wed.
Guess who DJ'd at the wedding?!?!
So Ashley can carry on getting his batty jooked in peace and Cheryl can attend her national front meetings without worrying about the negative press.
"My boyfriend's black, init"
"Batty? Nah man - my girls like Miss 2009 or sumting"
WE HAVENT FORGOTTEN!!!
PTC run tings, ting nuh run WE.
Remember that CHERYL CUNT.
So we played a new game today on the social minefield that is Twitter.
As Wednesday is rapidly becoming #sexday... we thought we'd write a little story to get our (creative) juices flowing.
There were a few key players, thanks guys - it was emotional.
Jess wasn't sure why she had agreed to this, but here she was...waiting for Carl in the penthouse suite of the best hotel in town (@blogatha)
She decided to prepare herself for his arrival and slipped out of her stiff suit and into the large tub of hot bubbly water(@fuchsiastiletto)
Typically, Carl was late, as was the hour and thus her mind wandered to what had happened the last time they... (@djhoop)
Carl glanced at his watch - 7:35 pm. the wheels of his ford transit van spun unsteadily against the tough concrete of the m25(@MrBeatnick)
He pressed down hard on the pedal, heart racing as he knew he would offend his love. installing that new sink had taken forever(@mrbeatnick)
As Carl sped to the hotel, enjoying the surge of lust that he had contained for so long...Jess' mind, and fingers, wandered down memory lane (@blogatha)
She lazily explored herself and remembered why she always kept coming back to her unavailable, yet irresistible love. She knew... (@blogatha)
...that carl was irresistible because he had a nigh perfect spiderman outfit...(@TaZzBo)
...which he suprised her with the last time they met up. As she felt the waves of excitement wash over her she heard his key turn the lock (@blogatha)
She felt her heart skip a beat, and she contemplated getting out the tub, but it was so nice in there, so she called out "I'm in here..." (@blogatha)
He carefully opened the door into the palacial en-suite and took in the heady scent of burning oils and bubbles (@TaZzBo)
"cor pet, you look dead fit" exclaimed Carl in an incredulous tone. "Owsabout I clamber in their and scrub yer back?" (@mrbeatnick)
His accent grated on her, it was true... but one sight of that ripped torso and she struggled to contain herself. "Don't say anything... (@blogatha)
...just take your clothes off" He willingly obeyed and kneeled at the side of the tub and began to kiss her neck. (@blogatha)
The scent of the bath oil aroused him, his hands caressed her body. Goosepimples covered her body as his kisses moved toward her...(@LondonBajan)
"HOLD ON TO YOUR NIPPLES" he hollered (@kambo)
Carl had worked himself into quite a state by now, every inch of him was tingling with pleasure... and Jess was getting close too. (@blogatha)
She loved the way Carl could work her into such a lather, she grabbed feverishly at his glistening skin as he entered her and began to thrust (@blogatha)
Their bodies moved like pistons of desire, devouring eachother until the pleasure built up so much that Jess thought she may scream (@blogatha)
But just as they were about to explode, Carl withdrew and wildly exclaimed "THIS IS AN ART ATTACK" (@blogatha)
Jess remembered why she was hesitant to meet again. Carl was a fucking good shag but these Neil Buchanan impressions had to stop. (@blogatha)
I love you Twitter x
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
What can't you get enough of going down your neck?
What gets you excited and then takes you to bed?
It's RUM, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok, so the PTC like a lot of things...
You know we like Mr. Buddz, rubbing our Vajayjays on any man with a riddim and wearing enough realfakegold to make Captain Jack Sparrow (swoooon) come 'a knockin'
There is one thing that we would gladly give it all up for.
Rum is always the tipple of choice, I mean.. it makes you feel sexier, tastes like heaven AND guarantees you a good night's sleep. Who needs a boyfriend with rum around?
So yeah, I'm dedicating this post to the wonder of rum...without you our lives would be considerably less sexy (and considerably more celibate)
We love you because you love us more.
Monday, 14 September 2009
You all already knew how h'exellent our hoofs are, well here be another example of our multi-talented clan. Our very own Dj Yasmin doing what she does best and dropping us a 20 min mini mix sounds of Lisa Lisa and Missy E... 20 minutes of big tunes old and new school!
See we're not just opinionated potty mouths and sought after literary gems please feel free to add musical G's to that list too. Download & Enjoy...
Friday, 11 September 2009
It has now been brought to my attention (by the luffy @kambo) that the addition of a lickle sweat patch can be a big turn on. Kambo has witnessed this and been kind enough to draw me a picture (below)
So ladies. when you work out ya body - WORK THA HOOOOOF!
Monday, 7 September 2009
1) Hoof or Cleavage and why?
tonyblk@FuchsiaStiletto Hoof! Who doesnt prefer hoof? What Pleasure does cleavage give you really? Do i look like i wanna stare. I like a nice, warm, moist enviroment! Not feeling the residue though, especially when it dries....llow me (In depth, I like!)
PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto Cleavage. Mine are 32GG. (Wooooyyyy, jealous, much?!) No other explanation needed. Thanks. X
Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto has to be both, lubed hoof and pendulous sweaty dooos!
2) Tune to get your dagger on to?
tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Eskimo, infact any Grime tune. Why? cos i can release that aggressive side. them abusive ones there! Show me a woman who doesnt like a gun finger, and I'll show you a liar! (Swoon, literally fucking swoon. I'm bolding AND italicizing this one. I heart you Tony)
Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hanson mmm bop. I fuckkng love blondes
Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 2)Bonnie Tyler Total eclipse of the heart Get our slow Dagger on
MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto I would happily get dagger 2 this tune http://bit.ly/fJypR the lyrics say it all & the beat is sweet
hannarnia@FuchsiaStiletto n e bashment tune to get boned 2 lol
3) Bestest Chicken?
Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto the colonel sanders, spicy stylee
apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 3. My Aunt's Jerk - nuff said. Then Popeyes. KFC comes a very close third.
PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto KFC...and my mum.
tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Morleys, quick ting, eat the wings n shullup, i aint taking you to grandma's. are you MWAD?
MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Gyal needs to pop down to 'TakeTwo' for some Jerk chicken.... that chicken will put fire in yuh belly & love inna ya soul!
4) If you had to buy me a present to get at the hoof, what would it be?
GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto to get into it - a new fur! (I LOOOVVVE fur, fuck animals. I need your coat to look buffting so DIE)
apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 4. Most likely a very expensive bottle of bubbly but if we're going all out for it, maybe a diamond necklace. (Nice, but give me Wray&Nephews anyday!)
insy09@FuchsiaStiletto whizz candy that crackles in your mouth (Could pop that in my hoof?!)
Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto scarf soaked in chloroform (Works everytime! Personal fave)
MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto To get in2 your hoof (no homo). I'd get you a years subscription to 'RudeBwoyz R' US'. Anyway u want them, u can have them! (Now THIS is more like it. Roooodeboys on demand?! WIN)
PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto A dildo smothered in crystals that smelt of KFC and sang Jamaican love songs to you in a Yardy accent...OBVS (Now THIS is a girl that really knows me. Careful attention to detail)
Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 4) rohyphnol
5) You’re starting a fashion label, what do you call it?
PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto "Look at my tits, they're real. Also look at my arse, it's cracking". Would be known as LAMTTR - ALAMAIC. RRP for all - £3 (I would actually rock this label all day long, plus star in the adverts)
MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Fashion label... 'Daggerus'. the fashion line that says... When straight jooking is not enough... come fi di dagger! (Slogan is feckin brilliant)
apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 5. Big Squirrell clothing - that's trademarked btw.
Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hoof hat deluxe
GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto Hoof Couture - made tight round the crotch for extra hoofage! (WIN, WIN, WIN!)
In conclusion -
You're all bufftings but my love PrinnyAurora gets first choice of my hoof. How do you feel girl?!
PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Cheers. I'd like to thank my mum, dad, brother, Jesus, God, My producer, my bra...
Oh and PTC we need to put our logo to some of these clothing ideas!
Friday, 4 September 2009
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
I'm in love, again.
Or is it lust?
So I watched 'True Romance' again last nigth and forgot what a muther fucking badddddda'OOMAN this chick is....
- Reasons why-
She dresses in HWAT clothes
She has platinum blonde hair - anyone that can pull this off is heartable.
She has sex in a phone box
She laughs at the gangster tryiong to kill her, takes a serious beating and then MURKS HIM OFF with a corkscrew.
She has a FIT tattoo (which I want by the way - replace 'TRUE ROMANCE' with 'FUCK ROMANCE, GIMME HEAD')
She was a prossie 4 times then turned wifey - fair play gyally.
She is more than a little nuts!
She calls her kid Elvis.
I want to be her, arrange it pls God.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
So now you can get a Twilight-themed dildo... Parents, prepare to see even LESS of your moody teenage daughters...
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
If you're a man that loves big bums then no doubt you will have seen her work. She's basically this Brazilian woman with a GIANT back off - probably bigger than if you were to join the back offs of the entire PTC. When my friend (a man with a dick and and a love for a girl with a gargantuan gluteus maximus) showed me this video, I was like "MOTHER FUCKING WOAH".
You know when Ice-Cube goes "I've got dick for days, you got ass for weeks..." Well she's got ass for fucking decades. Now over here at Camel hoof we do love our vaginas (no homo) but we also love to shake our rump (preferably in the crotch of a rapper/emcee/rudeboy/buffting) and try and do things with our bums that you only see in the videos.
In light of Carnival approaching and in light of the fact that most of us plan on drinking rum till we bleed and allowing our derrieres to be taken advantage of by any willing and able man dem who know how to grind a girl down to the very core of the earth, I think us ladies need to get some tips from the Andressa herself. Here she is in action:
Personally I plan on learning that entire routine and doing it to every song I hear. I propose we all learn it and where possible, stand against a wall in a line and do it all at the same time. So gentlemen if you wanna get down with PTC make sure your crotches are clean and available for you to force them into us from behind when we least expect it but most want it - basically most of the time.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Monday, 17 August 2009
Friday, 14 August 2009
If I can do this to a snail imagine how fit a PTC makeover could make YOU.
Simply add as many of the followig items as humanly possible and wear them with a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Schimples.
Enormous gold earrings, skin tight leggings, red lipstick, glitter, fake tan, long as possible ghetto nails, diamonds, anything jewell or sequin encrusted, anything that looks anything like Lil Kim may have once worn it, really bright trainers (Nike if possible) lycra, anything you've ever seen on Dancehall Queen.
We like this;
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Busy BLATES wrote this song in dedication to PUM TANG CLAN. It's flippin' called "PUM PUM PUM" - SO obvious.
In a not so real interview with the man himself he said this (his responses may or may not be lyrics stolen from this song...shhh):
Camel hoof: Hiya Busy you love pum pum init?
Busy: Gotta get that pum pum pum... *hot head! hot head! hot head!*
CH: Safe. So what inspired you to write this song?
Busy: Mi seh me love di PUM PUM PUM, mi call her fi di PUM PUM PUM, link wid her fi di PUM PUM PUM, mi love di PUM PUM PUM.
CH: Cool. so what you sayin' then, do you like PUM TANG CLAN?
Busy: Mi love di girls, mi love di gyal dem.
CH: Wicked! So d'you wanna do a remix called PUM-TANG-CLAN since the syllables fit so perfectly?
Busy: PUM-TANG-CLAN TO DI WORRRRLLLLDDDD.
So there you have it folks. you heard it here first - Busy Signal wants to get up in our belly belly belly belly bellies. Maybe we can be his his next video or summat. Thong bikini's ready, a vat of baby oil on standby and we're good to go.
EVERY TIME I watch this my mouth drops literally WHERE IS THIS MAN!? How the fuck is he this good!? Who taught him!? Is there some sort of school men can enroll in for this!?
Anyhow having calmed down, finished watching the video and refocused I want to make a proposition for all you guys who may be feeling a lil left out or intimidated... we are after all women that know exactly what we want from our career's, from our music, relationships... in our men.
So you're not a rapper, you can't MC for shit, you're not Collie Buddz, you don't have a insane amount of P... there is another way to find yourself in the bosom of PTC... DO THAT. EXACTLY THAT. Don't cut any shit out, don't try improving it as I doubt it can be improved any more... just do that.
Thanks, I'm off to watch it again.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
And knowledge should be spread, like marmalade and college girls' thighs. So add to the PTC Dickshunhairy my new favourite word (and if it turns out to be old and I'm the last to know it, then fuck you, don't pick on me for being slow.)
Fupa (pronounced foo-pah)
Acronym for "Fat Upper Pubic Area"; also commonly referred to as Fat Upper Pussy Area (aka. "Gunt")
Descriptive of the phenomenon common with men and women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.
You've all seen them.
Only know cure: Fupandectomy
eg. "She's bigger than the Fupapottomaus, she is a FupaSaurus Rex!"
Exactly HOW I came across this word in the first place is the worst thing:
I had to look it up after I overheard a conversation while I was in the uni library, where Fatty said to Skinny, "i bet you don't have to lift your fupa to shave".
Unfortunately she left before I worked out what she was saying - I felt like running after her, yelling "WAIT! COME BACK! Let's be friiiieenndsss!!"
Holla at them girls with the floppy fupas, keeping their hoofs safe from rain, direct sunlight, and any potential sexual encounters. You've got your own inbuilt pumbrella/floatation device/fleshy chastity belt! Some girls get all the luck.
Friday, 7 August 2009
I love this woman, alot.
Kezza babes, if you EVER wanna be in PTC, you can bagsie the penthouse.
Thanks to you, I have to start and finish every day with Slow Dance, or Energy, or Get Your Money Up or ANYTHING OFF YOUR DAMN ALBUM.
Big up your hoof.
Friday, 31 July 2009
"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?"
Having a hoof is glorious, but we all know a lil' maintenance is required to keep the rudbwoys coming thick and fast (whuuut?)
I wanna talk topiary.
Some like it Au natural, with a little strimming here and there, and some like to go the full 'plucked turkey'. Either way, it takes time, money and often EXCRUCIATING pain to keep our bits Hoofilicious.
Let's take a look at some of the options available...
Firstly we have the natural look. This is actually favoured by some men (obviously women like it too as it means minimal upkeep and pain) but I personally struggle to see the attraction.
Pros: Easy and cheap maintenance.
Cons: You look like the woman in the picture and may find small animals nesting within.
Next we move onto the slightly more civilised bikini line. Some girls like to shave theirs, some immac and some wax it. Called the bikini line due to the area exposed when wearing briefs. This looks a little nicer for any unsuspecting sun bathers, and also prevents you from becoming a human sponge when you get in the water.
Pros: Fairly quick to remove the offending hair and relatively painless. Looks neat and tidy.
Cons: If your bikini shifts slightly to the side, you'll be giving away the fact that you're actually a hairy Mary and not the smooth goddess you'd like them to think you are.
Now we come to the next level, whipping large areas of hair off.
The shaven haven:
See when I was at school, the shaven haven was a legend amongst schoolboys. There would be many a tale of "mate, she had a shaven haven" when truthfully, they were lucky if they'd even seen a pair of tits yet. So as a young girl, the shaven haven was something you'd have a go at to see what it was all about.
This is until you discovered it was a FUCKING BAD IDEA. Fair enough it's a quick fix if you get some unexpected nookie, but the sad reality is that it will itch like fuck when it grows back, and you'll be slicing your pray to pieces if they attempt some morning sex.
I've heard some scary stories about ingrown hairs too yo...
Pros: Quick, painless and cost effective way to achieve a smooth look and feel.
Cons: Light speed and uncomfortable regrowth, for everyone involved.
A better way to achieve the smooth look and feel is to go all out and wax the fucker.
We've already covered the 'safe' bikini wax, but if you're feeling a little more adventurous we have the Brazilian. A favourite of mine, the 'landing strip' gives the men (or women) something racy to look at, and also keeps things nice and simple 'down thurr' without leaving you looking prepubescent
Pros: Looks nice and simple, good compromise between hairy Mary and porn star.
Cons: As with all pubic waxing, it hurts like fuck and you MUST exfoliate or you'll be in ingrown hair hell. Listen to your waxist, she/he knows.
Now we come the the mother of all waxes. The Hollywood.
Now I ain't gonna lie, the first time you get this done it will feel like you're having your soul ripped out of your hoof. Seriously ladies, you need to be aware that this will leave you sore for at least a day.
So yeah it's the porn star wax. Not a hair in sight. Makes the hoof keeper feel kinda saucy, but it freaks many out as you probably haven't seen your hoof looking like this since you were like, 10.
Pros: No hair, no fuss. Gives you porn star confidence.
Cons: May haunt you for the rest of your life.
And there we have it, the many ways we can keep our hoofs looking lovely.
How do you do yours?
Also, any guys reading this: what's your favourite and do you do any maintenance of your own?