Things I Proper Wish I Were doing

Searching for celebrity camelhoofs pon tha net – The day I see the Queen Mother or Barbara Windsor (virtually the same person) with a stonking fat camelhoof is the day I can die happy. Or at least not depressed and wondering where I went wrong in my life.

Playing rounders in the park – actually, maybe I’d rather play basketball because although I’m well shitters at it (due to my sports apathy) it does seem to attract the most lush men. Footballers pale in comparison to a 7foot tall ‘Baller’. Ooh Wee. Plus the outfits are better.

Listening to these three tunes on repeat – Cam’ron – Silky, The Lovely Shystie – Pull It, Skepta & Giggs– Look Out – while chain smoking Marlborough Lights and practicing my skank in the mirror.

Stuffing my face with any of these foods – rusks, peacan & maple danish pastries, houmous and pitta bread, chips and mayo

(1:1 weight ratio), rich tea biscuits dunked in tea with 4 sugars. Convenience, YO.

Stalking my ex boyfriends on Facebook/Twitter/Myspace – and hoping that they aren’t happy in any way and that if they do have new girlfriends that they are ugly and shit in bed.

Online shopping – because I’m too lazy to hacktually drag my ass to the shops and try shit on. I’d rather wait for it to arrive and hope it doesn’t make me look like Bianca Jackson holidaying in Ayia Napa as most of my clothes usually do.

Things I am HACKTUALLY doing:

Writing this blog, sat at my incredibly messy desk, drinking green tea – apparently it can shift my thunder thighs in time for holiday. Doubtful.