Friday, 4 February 2011

The REAL story of childbirth

For those who didn't know - I had my baby! Whoop!!

Books CANNOT prepare you for birth - they lie and leave out all the shit bits. So read this and never have sex again.

So I went to the MW for a 'sweep' on Tuesday 18th @ 3pm.
It actually wasn't too bad - agressive fingering, no worse than I've suffered at the hands of over-excited teenage virgins.

Midwife said my cervix was only 1cm dialated and still fairly firm (fuck knows what this means) so I didn't think anything would happen.

I went home and did a wank while nipple stimulating (worth a try and passes the time!) and then at about 11pm I started getting cramps.

By midnight they were 'contractions' and every ten mins. I'd totally lulled myself into a false sense of security, even saying to my boyf 'Is this it?! Women are so extra - its not bad at all'.

FUCK ME

By 6am they were coming every 3 mins and quite painful. By the time i've quickly shaved my vag for the hsp they are every minute and a half - I'm convinced i'm going to give birth in the car and am now in a lot of pain. Get to the hosp to be examined and told i'm ONE FUCKING CM DIALTED. (You have to get to ten before you can push the kid out)

Resist the urge to yank my own cervix apart with bare hands, return home.

SIX MORE HOURS OF CONTRACTIONS EVERY MINUTE AND A HALF.

Return to hosp to be told i'm now 4cm. Get gas and air, which is fucking amazing! I did puke but its like doing poppers - suddenly my rave days came flooding back and spent the next hour trying to find happy hardcore on the ipod and making boyf take pictures of me with the tube of KY jelly I found hilarious.

From 12pm when I got to hosp to 12 am when they said I was FINALLY 10cm I only had one shot of morphine (SHIT, made me feel tired and sick) and it seemed like the longest day of my fucking life.

At one point I was standing up lent over a chair and pissed myself down my legs and then cried about my lack of dignity! hahah - whatever, later I would be shitting myself AND braying like a sexually abused donkey.

SO I was finally 10cm (so my vag had officially stretched out to the size of a diarylea box) by midnight (yep, a full 24 hours since my contractions had started, no sleep) and ready to push the little fucker out!

WOO HOO

Stupid contractions decide to drop to one every 7 minutes - so I'm pushing then waiting while her head retracts back up my fanny tube or whatever its called.

They put me on that drip thing to speed up my contractions but i'm so tired I can't push anymore. By 3am I've been pushing (to no avail) for 3 hours and the babies heart rate drops and she poos inside me (Rank)

They bring in DR SOLOMON! I hate/love him. I love him for delivering my baby safely, I hate him for being so inconsiderate of my poor vagina! Never trust a doctor with tribal scars to be gentle with your lady garden.

He pops one of those suctiosn cups on her head and waits for a contraction then literally WITH TWO HANDS ON THE LEAD LIKE HE'S ENTERING A FUCKING TUG OF WAR AGAINST HULK HOGAN, yanks her out!

They checked her over and when she was fine passed her to me. Then Dr frikkin Solomon pulled the placenta out - totally hurt more than the baby. I called him a cunt. Boyf laughed, Midwives looked apalled, baby looked at me shocked. hahah poor little ting, first words she hears from her mother!

I tore a little - a total surprise, I though my vag was adequately stretched out from years of rough sex - and had 2 stitches. I did ask Solomon for another stitch to give me a virgin vagina but he just laughed like I was joking!!

OH - if you do decide to give birth - DON'T LOOK AT IT. Within an hour of giving birth I was positioning myself in front of the en suite mirror to look at my poor vag - super size big mac srpings to mind - with a side order of kebab meat and chilli sauce!

Don't do it to yourself - its nearly normal again now and I wish i'd waited a week to look!!!!!

BUT

All of that aside Isla is absolutely gorgeous and has brought out a new softer side to me, I spend hours looking at her and haven't even considered selling her on Ebay - even when she cries at 5am.

I might even do it again - I reckon a chinese one next!?

Thursday, 13 January 2011

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CUNT

Baby,

You have now given me THREE stretchmarks, you seem to think its fine to constantly kick/elbow me in the ribs and sometimes drop kick me in my fanny, I can't eat more than a fist sized amount of anything.

I tried to have sex last night to shift you and it was hideously degrading - I was rolling around groaning like a naked, shaved hippo. Well actually not shaved - like a hairy hippo. I haven't seen my vag in weeks, god knows what is going on down there.

Plus, if you stay in any longer I will have to go to prison for murdering firstly your stupid, unsympathetic father and then every single person who looks directly at my bump and says 'NO BABY YET THEN' - WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU STUPID CUNT!?? NO, NO BABY'

And then you'll be left to the social services and you'll probably grow up to be a drug dealer or prostitute.

So I suggest, for your own good, you GET OUT.

ASAP.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

ENDERS BENDERS

Eastenders spoiler*:

Stacey dies in the fire but not before telling ryan he's the real father so him and janine take custody of Lily. The father of sams baby is MINTY. Ronnie announces she is pregnant. Tanya comes back to the square and she has a secret..! Phil gets clean and ben comes out of prison but he has bulked up and looks a lot different. Grant comes back and sweeps jane bk 2 portugal. Minty leaves heather to be with sam. Syed and christian get married but syed has a devestating announcement. Ameera returns but dies during childbirth making syed and christian the first gay parents on EE!

OI IF THIS IS TRUE - WWWOWOOOOOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOOWWOW

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Swallowing - less trouble than a kid

For those of you who don’t already know – I’m having a yardie yout. WHOOP. Or so I thought.

Initially (after the ‘shit-I-can’t-down-rum-and-take-a-line-of-cocks-on-a-Saturday-night’ panic) I was excited. YEAY. I was going to get big boobs and a sexy bump and be a babymama!

BUT

These pregnant pricks don’t give you the full story – every single female I know who says she got the pregnancy ‘glow’ can suck out. Suck her own kid out. It’s LIES. The glow is sweat from hulking your size 16 arse around.

So, as a public service I’m going to keep you up to date with all the rank things about pregnancy. Please feel free to direct your teenage sisters/broody girlfriends here. You might even get her to agree to swallowing instead. Better a mouthful of spunk than 9 months of excess vaginal mucus.

1) You wee NUFF – I have to get up like 3 times in the night to piss. This makes me knackered, I may get a potty

2) Pregnant boobs may look fit but they HURT – having them played with is like someone trying to finger fuck your swollen fanny after a 6 man train

3) On the subject of swollen fannies – your pum gets BARE FAT, like the lips and everything swell. This might be lovely and make me tighter than before I discovered black cockie BUT I’m too busy weeing and puking to actually have sex

4) Your nipples start to excrete some weird, crusty white shit. This might be a problem if it wasn’t for point 2.

5) You LEAK – like from everywhere. For some reason being knocked up makes you have a runny nose, nose bleeds, leaky nipples and an excessively slimey fanny. The fanny slime smells sweet, kinda like popcorn but still I don’t want it

6) I was sick CONSTANTLY for about 4 months. It’s annoying because when I tried to be bulimic I couldn’t make myself puke but now I’m definitely going to get fat my body decides it will co-operate. Cunt.

7) I’m spotty – like a teenage McDonalds worker

8) Hair grows EVERYWHERE – on my expanding belly, out sideways from my gash, on my nipples… its hideous


I haven’t even experienced stretchmarks, milk leaking, the birth and sleepless nights yet. I best have the cutest, best-behaved baby ever.

TRUST MEH – MEK HIM PULL OUT AND SPUNK ON YOUR TITS.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

BANANAS

OK so basically, I like to take bananas to work for my breakfast. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm one of them! But no matter how hard I try to make it look like I'm just eating a yummy, healthy snack I always get stared at, and - as it appears to me - accused of committing a gross social indecency.




It's interesting to think that a food can have such stigma attached to it. A banana is unlike smelly hot food that can bother people nearby with it's odour. This is a fruit, and because of it's shape and size, is discriminated against - believed to only be eaten in private, or sliced up.
Not that I'm trying to preach banana rights, or start campaigning against produce-discrimination. I just want to put it out there that I DON'T FELLATE THE FUCKING THING.

Whether I'm eating it in a normally, aggressively, busily, in small mouthfuls, or in a bored, innocent 'good girl' fashion (I must admit this gets the most stares from men), I still get looked at like I'm a pervert. Particularly by mothers with small children, usually while they're sheltering them and hurrying out of the café.

Whatever, I can't win. If I didn't enjoy the spectrum of social awkwardness prompted by me eating a simple bloody piece of fruit, then I wouldn't still be doing it. Instead, I would probably eat it in the privacy of my home, and walk out minutes afterwards looking disheveled, with a shiny blob of banana purée on my chin.




Fuck 'em.


-- Posted from my iPum

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Music to get fucked to!

My secret long-term lover Dj Hotpoint has made a lurvvvely CD for you students/reminiscing bank workers/waitresses to get fucked up to.

Down 6 pints of snakebite, dance around your living room, pass out naked and piss yourself - this is the soundtrack to student life.

Oh, he's gonna do 3 more too - Hip-Hop, Dubstep and Club Classics soon come!

If you don't know about Hotpoint already, quite frankly I'm ashamed of you. Read this 3 question interview immediately, download the mix and remember where you heard it first - this cunt is going places - and I don't just mean down the piss stained tights of Freshers.

Have you ever pissed/shat yourself? I need to reassure people you are qualified to make an album for students.

Every adult has, to some extent, soiled themselves. Everyone who doth protest otherwise is a liar or a bore or both. A boar you might say.

If I said you looked like James Corden would you hold it against me? And by it, I mean ermm..... your peen?

James C comparisons are incessant but not only am I considerably more handsome i'm funnier too, he gets on my nerves. Silly fat cunt. The met need to recognise fat on fat crime. Forget Operation Trident, it's all about Operation Pie-Dent.

Why is your name Hotpoint? You should ram a sparkler down your japseye to be true to your word fi reels!

Hotpoint is a rugby nickname form day - uni. Also, I got drunk once, rugby tackled a broken fridge to the floor in my garden, took out all the shelves and fell asleep in it. It was snowing and bare cold.

And THAT is why we love him so.

Get the mix ere > My cunty mate's mixtape

Thursday, 10 June 2010

#ErinsTips

Guys; use the World Cup time to try and fuck other peoples neglected girlfriends.

Friday, 4 June 2010

My Little Pony

UNICORNS.

It's the new in-ting.

They spunk glittery Dior lipgloss, fart sequins and piss rainbows - if you need proof;

I'm obsessed with the idea of one alternately screwing me with his ribbed-for-her-pleasure horn and his cool, smooth man/horse peen.

Look at his tight little batty! It's like Applejack turned up at a school reunion with prison tattoo's and a gold tooth. *SWOON*

This guy is next level, I can almost imagine him drumming his little pink hooves on my shoulders and leaving me, sore, satisfied and with a vag full of glitter glue.



Obviously, this fit fuck would still get it but to be honest - I'd be fantasising about a horn the whole time :(

Friday, 16 April 2010

LIB MAN DEM


VOTE LIB MAN DEM.

"DEM MAN ARE ARRRRRDDD"

Nick Clegg "Still taking my time to perfect the beat and I still got love for the streets" - Reason1 why you should vote #LIBMANDEM

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Oh Hai Bloggy - wha gwan?!


So basikaalllyy, I’ve been neglecting my poor little bloggy. It’s the Gareth Gates of the blog world, left in a corner stuttering and crying.

Suh mi back, mi back, mi back.


A catch up on my life for you all;


  • I had to move out of my flat cah stooopid landlord wanted it back for his daughter. I tell you, that bitch is getting my daily morning steamer through her letterbox.

  • I had to scrap my car - I’d been driving it round like a goonbag with no insurance, MOT, tax for 3 months and while it did make me feel like a naughty badgal and encourage me to touch myself, I don’t really fancy the thought of prison with no cockie. I took it to the scrap metal place and they gave me £124 for it! WHOOP. I bought a Fiatrarri – its BADDAMAN, the clock only goes up to 120mph but it has electric windows and little Ferrari like badges on the seats. SICKTINGS.


Plus I get to shout ‘BUS WANKERS’ at people.








  • I’m moving to the fucking big smoke. I’m literally so excited I can’t type properlike. I need a job first though – anyone need a lazy, Jafakian slut to shuffle paper of something? Hollllaaaa

  • Oh and GIGGS is following me on Twitter. My life is pretty much complete now. I just need his permission to call him Giggidy-Giggidy and I’ll start on the Family Guy photoshops. WIN.

Xxxxxxx


*I’m stroking my batty on your crotch*

Friday, 26 March 2010

Party like my chica ROXSTARRRR!


If you live under a rock or in Hertfordshire (like moi) you may NOT have heard of RoxXxan.

If that's the case - SLAP YO SELF.



She's sick and she can par with the big boys. I first heard her spit at a Chockablock with P-Money and she totally held her own.

I'm gonna try and get her to do a lickle Hoof interview soon - she totally embodies all we PTC love - looking hot and talking grimey!




In the meantime go here >>> and listen for yourself.

Oh and join the group on Facebook for updates and videeeooos. Just search 'RoxXxan'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9krZYKZyO4

Blad - we salute you!

xxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

They call me James Blunt, they call me PumPum.....

Not only is this URL sicker than the fact that I've wanked over Peter Beale but it contains the best list EVAH produced.

www.loveyourvagina.com

These people made chicks tell them what they call their pum -some of them are fucking HILARIOUS!

Go there and read them and that but these are my personal faves.

• Barak obama
The downtown dining and entertainment district
• Lickety split
• Ethel
• Velvet underground
Penis flytrap
• Clunge
• Tally hole!
• Pikachu
• Furbelow
• John
• The jam factory
• Party ring
Scrambled eggs between the legs
• Fairy penguin
• Madge the vag
• Bumbaclart
Vaginator
• Velvet thigh purse
• My precious
• Lickity-split
• My full english breakfast
• Pumpum
• Ninja turtle
• Me bits
• James blunt
• Hotbox
• Big pimpin
• The box office
• Princess consuela bananahamock
• Flappy falafel
• Cameltoe!

hahahhah I love my pum - do you?

xx

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

#ErinsTips

Fruit Pastills make excellent tools to train your jaw for blowjob stamina.

#ErinsTips

Men - Suck Pussy

Friday, 5 March 2010

PTC Meets >>> Mr Junior Spesh aka Terra!

Chicken and rudeboys are basically my two favourite things so I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a bunch of rudeboys, in a chicken shop mc’ing about chicken on Channel 4!!!

AND they even mentioned my fave condiment – mayo!

(no sexual connotations – mi nuh deal with dat) SWWWOOONNN

Meet TERRA – one part of the crew ‘Red Hot Entertainment’ and creators of the most sexual tune ‘JUNIOR SPESH’!

(I’m totally determined to make it through this interview without taking about sex.)

Soo..

If KFC wanted you to do them a tune, but you had to dress up in a chicken suit BUT you got paid £10k to do it - would you?

Without a doubt In my mind! I would even dress up twice if I had to for that money lol

Leg or breast? ;)


BREAST BREAST BREAST (or thigh)

I’ve failed already – I’m totally flaunting my double d’s!


Junior Spesh should totally do a 'Happy Meal 'ting and include a toy - what'dy reckon? Packet of rizzla?

Lol Um, yeah I suppose so – buy a JUNIOR SPESH and get the MP3 free?? <>I’m in marketing for a reason – great ideas like these don’t come around everyday > chicken shop man, hallah at meh.

Do you get free Junior Spesh meals now you gave them all this promo? You totally should!

Yeah occasionally I do, sometimes I feel like paying him though, I mean business is business but if im in a rush I just leave when he gives me the food, he doesn’t mind. None of the workers there mind, on the day of the video shoot he gave out about 10 of them for free for the extra’s etc. It was crazy. I guess he appreciates! I don’t expect a free meal when im there though lol I just courtesy of them, I respect.


Awww, that’s cute. If I got free chicken I’d be huge. That that half ton mum ting on tv where she looked like a puddle of person.


OMG I forgot, I saw you on Rude Tube! That's sick!

Lol yeah that came about a while ago before it was aired on Channel 4/E4 , they hollad asking if we would give them quick talk on the whole thing and ofcourse we said yeah. The interview was roughly 30 minutes long and you only saw what? 2 minutes of it lol no worries much love to channel 4!

Maybe the rest was too rude for rude tube!? *mind wanders*


Haha You could say that *winks*


Shit, was I thinking out loud?

So what are you working on now? If it helps I'm very partial to a curry - ever considered going Bollywood?

Me, myself as a solo artist im working on a whole bunch of stuff, my mixtape is out in July. Im gonna release that digitally on iTunes, few online places and ill try for a few stores so its looking good. I have some collaborations also with artists I wont say the name for just yet lol. But Ill give YOU an exclusive when its all good to go, definitely. As far as RED HOT ENTERTAINEMTN go we ware doing A LOT. Our music video “LLL” is on TV screens this april so look out for that. And in terms of more food song, I couldn’t tell you lol Bollywood? – nope.

There go my dreams of appearing in the video in a red/gold/green sari and smearing myself in korma


Lol you are crazy, you never know what the future holds.


I looked up 'Junior Spesh' on the tinternet and it said it can also be a name for an underage hottie - have you heard that before? It make me laugh, still.


Lol nah I actually haven’t but you know what ive seen? There is an online ‘Urban Dictionary’ and somehow “junior spesh” is included. Who ever done that is a joker lol, made me laugh.

That’s where I saw it! The top result was you and then I saw the underage ting! I love it.

I love chicken and I love a good daggering - I've been debating mixing the two. Do you reckon food in bed - in particular chicken - is sexy or wrong?


Lol sex, then food definitely. Chicken would go down! Imagine getting pounded eating a hot wing? LOL classic but ill keep it clean.

I don’t eat meat off the bone – but I’d love a lickle slow whine and a crispy strip. Ya gets meh?

“Crispy strip” I love the irony lol!


Your tune 'Sexy Teacher' - is it real? Did you never try and do her in the art supplies cupboard?

Lol no, no I never attempted anything like that! That song is very true though! A friend of mine who is also an artist in Red Hot Entertainment, “KEE” was involved in a little something with me back in school lol. Nothing major I just love this one teacher Miss Primera (hope she sees this haha), very sexy. So thinking back made me write that, planning the video for that this year also if things go well!

Teacher/Student is my fave game – I did tweet Justin Beiber the other day asking him to play with me but he didn’t reply. Mean kid.

>>

OMG it turns out chicken and emcees really IS a glorious combo.

And for that, Terra, I’ll always be your number one fan

xxxxxxx

Terra >> Thank you! Much love to you and everyone supporting!

Contact him>

Facebook: Terra Artist << E-STALK HIM
Twitter : www.twitter.com/terrasworld << fallah him!
Myspace : www.myspace.com/terrakidstar << Frap over his pics
Youtube: www.youtube.com/terrakid <<< Frap over his vids


Monday, 22 February 2010

Go on, enjoy some fingering on me.

Valentine's is over (thank god, I was treated to 7 hours of my man trying to complete Avatar on the PS3 while I tried to get his cock out) and it's still a cold and loveless world.

That is until you get yourself some second base action to the sound of the 'Heavy Petting Mixtape'.

DJ Hotpoint (luvable rogue I want to rub myself off against) and DJ Cable (Santa Baby, PTC single, creator) present a mix CD to rival all others.

Its HACKTUALLY designed for you to listen to while your pum is being pleasured. SWOON.

Download it, and read the tracklisting here >> ERE BLAD

Then go home and either command some roodeboy to play with your va-jay-jay while you listen OR play the masturbato game and see if you can make yourself cream before track 4.

Good Times.

(I totally did NOT forget to write about this on Valentines Day.)

Friday, 19 February 2010

She's a LADDDYYYYY, woah woahhhh, she's a LADY.

Today is a sad day :(


Lady Gaga totally doesn't have a penis.


She's ruined it, I was gonna go shopping with her, look at her boobies, go to celebrity parties and then do sex with her penis.


Now i'll just have to go old school and finger her.


Bad times.



Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Roid Rage

I got a chest infection.


Its so fit, everytime I lie down I cough till I gag like I tried to deep throat Lexington Steele.


I went to the doctor and they gave me ROIDS.


WIN.


So i'm gonna get BLENCH and have a mini cock like so;

And get biceps bigger than your front room.

And then when I get roid rage I'm gonna go to raves and screwface emcees and bang out P Money (no rapeage, well maybe a little) and then I'll be the baddest fucker around.

So yeay!

Mwah

xx

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

formspring.me

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

I'd get a boob job, buy an extravagant fruit basket, and then pay the ShamWow guy to fuck himself in the ear. And he'd do it, too.

Ask me anything

Monday, 25 January 2010

Ginger fanny magnets

Its official, FUCK a yardie dancehall artist or a durrrty south rapper IT HAS TO BE GINGER.

It all started with Bradley from Eastenders.


He's the frikkin cutest and I like to think he'd get those cute little red cheeks when I put the slow whine on him.







Then came Jamie Howard.


I would do some seriously rude things to this guy. He's funny, ginger, a lickle bit ghetto and he have lips for lipsssiiinnggg. I found it hard to find the right picture - THERE ARE THAT MANY PENG ONES.


I'm pissed that everyone seems to have caught on, I don't want to share my stick of delicious ginger candy with these hoes!


SO


My latest and greatest love.


AFRO-E


HE HAS A GINGER AFRO FOR JAH'S SAKE! And he slyly looks like Justin from Hollyoaks.


I forced him to send me some topless pics this morning but OBVS I can't share - this ginger fro is all mine bitches!

#GINGERSARETHENEWBLACK

xx

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

20,000th post ah gwan

I have made 20,000 posts on TWITTER.


IT'S ALOT.


IT'S A MUUUDDDD TTTIINNNGGGG


That is alot of frikkin tweeting.


Thanks to erryone who made it possible - PTC, AW4sum loves yaaaaa xx




So, this is generally what I tweet about.

I heart that heart is top!

Fallah meh @FuchsiaStiletto


xx

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

SANTA BABY - DJ Cable ft Awsome Foursome

So, I'm gonna be a bashment star :)

YEAY!

The very, very lovely @DJCable remixed the classic 'Santa Baby' for us!

He made it Bashment and bare sexy.
Download it right ere>>> http://www.sendspace.com/file/e27vs2
And VOTE FOR HIM IN THE NGDJ Comp - If you came to Bad Intentions you know about his sets. "IT'S ALOT, IT'S ALOT"

Sorry - I got sidetracked - the Awsome Foursome are gonna feature on it - rapping about boys and sex and shoes and how cool and fit we are. You know the AW4, right?! If not - go ere and Louks will tell you >> http://loukiac.blogspot.com/2009/10/awesome-foursome.html
So I did a CD cover


And we're gonna shoot a video - its gonna be bare sexy - santa outfits, roodeboys covered in oil.
I'm so annoyed we missed the Christmas number 1 though :(
Next year...
xxxx

Friday, 18 December 2009

Boom Bye Bye?

FREE BUJU

Cah that's how the justice system works? Didn't you know?!

It worked for BOSSMAN, BBK wore a lickle tee and HEY PRESTO he was released after serving just 3 years of his 3 year sentance. WHOOP!

SO

FREE BUJU

Banton, whose real name is Mark Anthony Myrie, has been charged with conspiracy to possess with the intent to distribute an illegal substance. According to the affidavit from the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the reggae artist and two other individuals traveled to Sarasota last week to purchase a large quantity of cocaine from an undercover officer. The quantity was more than 5 kilos, which carries a maximum of a 20-year sentence.

OBVS he was smuggling drugs he's a frikkin Reggae star! To be honest, i'd think less of him if he DIDN'T smuggle drugs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai7mzkZcRsw

Mek 'im cum bacckkk :(

xxxx

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Smallest willy in the world?

Photobucket

Or just a big hoof? Either way, tuck it in love.

Monday, 14 December 2009

When I grow up I wanna be just like....

Shiezel

aka

@ShizzyENT

BASIKALLY

We went Nando's and she got TABLE SERVICE.

That's how SICK she is.

AND

She helped me to create the 'NO HOMOBASE - mi nuh deal wit tongue and groove, strictkly 'ard wood'

Which still meks me laugh NUFF.

Fallah her and tell her she's a BAD 'OOMAN CAH I SAID SO

xx