Friday, 4 February 2011

The REAL story of childbirth

For those who didn't know - I had my baby! Whoop!!

Books CANNOT prepare you for birth - they lie and leave out all the shit bits. So read this and never have sex again.

So I went to the MW for a 'sweep' on Tuesday 18th @ 3pm.
It actually wasn't too bad - agressive fingering, no worse than I've suffered at the hands of over-excited teenage virgins.

Midwife said my cervix was only 1cm dialated and still fairly firm (fuck knows what this means) so I didn't think anything would happen.

I went home and did a wank while nipple stimulating (worth a try and passes the time!) and then at about 11pm I started getting cramps.

By midnight they were 'contractions' and every ten mins. I'd totally lulled myself into a false sense of security, even saying to my boyf 'Is this it?! Women are so extra - its not bad at all'.

FUCK ME

By 6am they were coming every 3 mins and quite painful. By the time i've quickly shaved my vag for the hsp they are every minute and a half - I'm convinced i'm going to give birth in the car and am now in a lot of pain. Get to the hosp to be examined and told i'm ONE FUCKING CM DIALTED. (You have to get to ten before you can push the kid out)

Resist the urge to yank my own cervix apart with bare hands, return home.

SIX MORE HOURS OF CONTRACTIONS EVERY MINUTE AND A HALF.

Return to hosp to be told i'm now 4cm. Get gas and air, which is fucking amazing! I did puke but its like doing poppers - suddenly my rave days came flooding back and spent the next hour trying to find happy hardcore on the ipod and making boyf take pictures of me with the tube of KY jelly I found hilarious.

From 12pm when I got to hosp to 12 am when they said I was FINALLY 10cm I only had one shot of morphine (SHIT, made me feel tired and sick) and it seemed like the longest day of my fucking life.

At one point I was standing up lent over a chair and pissed myself down my legs and then cried about my lack of dignity! hahah - whatever, later I would be shitting myself AND braying like a sexually abused donkey.

SO I was finally 10cm (so my vag had officially stretched out to the size of a diarylea box) by midnight (yep, a full 24 hours since my contractions had started, no sleep) and ready to push the little fucker out!

WOO HOO

Stupid contractions decide to drop to one every 7 minutes - so I'm pushing then waiting while her head retracts back up my fanny tube or whatever its called.

They put me on that drip thing to speed up my contractions but i'm so tired I can't push anymore. By 3am I've been pushing (to no avail) for 3 hours and the babies heart rate drops and she poos inside me (Rank)

They bring in DR SOLOMON! I hate/love him. I love him for delivering my baby safely, I hate him for being so inconsiderate of my poor vagina! Never trust a doctor with tribal scars to be gentle with your lady garden.

He pops one of those suctiosn cups on her head and waits for a contraction then literally WITH TWO HANDS ON THE LEAD LIKE HE'S ENTERING A FUCKING TUG OF WAR AGAINST HULK HOGAN, yanks her out!

They checked her over and when she was fine passed her to me. Then Dr frikkin Solomon pulled the placenta out - totally hurt more than the baby. I called him a cunt. Boyf laughed, Midwives looked apalled, baby looked at me shocked. hahah poor little ting, first words she hears from her mother!

I tore a little - a total surprise, I though my vag was adequately stretched out from years of rough sex - and had 2 stitches. I did ask Solomon for another stitch to give me a virgin vagina but he just laughed like I was joking!!

OH - if you do decide to give birth - DON'T LOOK AT IT. Within an hour of giving birth I was positioning myself in front of the en suite mirror to look at my poor vag - super size big mac srpings to mind - with a side order of kebab meat and chilli sauce!

Don't do it to yourself - its nearly normal again now and I wish i'd waited a week to look!!!!!

BUT

All of that aside Isla is absolutely gorgeous and has brought out a new softer side to me, I spend hours looking at her and haven't even considered selling her on Ebay - even when she cries at 5am.

I might even do it again - I reckon a chinese one next!?