Thursday, 12 August 2010

Swallowing - less trouble than a kid

For those of you who don’t already know – I’m having a yardie yout. WHOOP. Or so I thought.

Initially (after the ‘shit-I-can’t-down-rum-and-take-a-line-of-cocks-on-a-Saturday-night’ panic) I was excited. YEAY. I was going to get big boobs and a sexy bump and be a babymama!


These pregnant pricks don’t give you the full story – every single female I know who says she got the pregnancy ‘glow’ can suck out. Suck her own kid out. It’s LIES. The glow is sweat from hulking your size 16 arse around.

So, as a public service I’m going to keep you up to date with all the rank things about pregnancy. Please feel free to direct your teenage sisters/broody girlfriends here. You might even get her to agree to swallowing instead. Better a mouthful of spunk than 9 months of excess vaginal mucus.

1) You wee NUFF – I have to get up like 3 times in the night to piss. This makes me knackered, I may get a potty

2) Pregnant boobs may look fit but they HURT – having them played with is like someone trying to finger fuck your swollen fanny after a 6 man train

3) On the subject of swollen fannies – your pum gets BARE FAT, like the lips and everything swell. This might be lovely and make me tighter than before I discovered black cockie BUT I’m too busy weeing and puking to actually have sex

4) Your nipples start to excrete some weird, crusty white shit. This might be a problem if it wasn’t for point 2.

5) You LEAK – like from everywhere. For some reason being knocked up makes you have a runny nose, nose bleeds, leaky nipples and an excessively slimey fanny. The fanny slime smells sweet, kinda like popcorn but still I don’t want it

6) I was sick CONSTANTLY for about 4 months. It’s annoying because when I tried to be bulimic I couldn’t make myself puke but now I’m definitely going to get fat my body decides it will co-operate. Cunt.

7) I’m spotty – like a teenage McDonalds worker

8) Hair grows EVERYWHERE – on my expanding belly, out sideways from my gash, on my nipples… its hideous

I haven’t even experienced stretchmarks, milk leaking, the birth and sleepless nights yet. I best have the cutest, best-behaved baby ever.