Thursday, 22 July 2010

BANANAS

OK so basically, I like to take bananas to work for my breakfast. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm one of them! But no matter how hard I try to make it look like I'm just eating a yummy, healthy snack I always get stared at, and - as it appears to me - accused of committing a gross social indecency.




It's interesting to think that a food can have such stigma attached to it. A banana is unlike smelly hot food that can bother people nearby with it's odour. This is a fruit, and because of it's shape and size, is discriminated against - believed to only be eaten in private, or sliced up.
Not that I'm trying to preach banana rights, or start campaigning against produce-discrimination. I just want to put it out there that I DON'T FELLATE THE FUCKING THING.

Whether I'm eating it in a normally, aggressively, busily, in small mouthfuls, or in a bored, innocent 'good girl' fashion (I must admit this gets the most stares from men), I still get looked at like I'm a pervert. Particularly by mothers with small children, usually while they're sheltering them and hurrying out of the café.

Whatever, I can't win. If I didn't enjoy the spectrum of social awkwardness prompted by me eating a simple bloody piece of fruit, then I wouldn't still be doing it. Instead, I would probably eat it in the privacy of my home, and walk out minutes afterwards looking disheveled, with a shiny blob of banana purée on my chin.




Fuck 'em.


-- Posted from my iPum

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Music to get fucked to!

My secret long-term lover Dj Hotpoint has made a lurvvvely CD for you students/reminiscing bank workers/waitresses to get fucked up to.

Down 6 pints of snakebite, dance around your living room, pass out naked and piss yourself - this is the soundtrack to student life.

Oh, he's gonna do 3 more too - Hip-Hop, Dubstep and Club Classics soon come!

If you don't know about Hotpoint already, quite frankly I'm ashamed of you. Read this 3 question interview immediately, download the mix and remember where you heard it first - this cunt is going places - and I don't just mean down the piss stained tights of Freshers.

Have you ever pissed/shat yourself? I need to reassure people you are qualified to make an album for students.

Every adult has, to some extent, soiled themselves. Everyone who doth protest otherwise is a liar or a bore or both. A boar you might say.

If I said you looked like James Corden would you hold it against me? And by it, I mean ermm..... your peen?

James C comparisons are incessant but not only am I considerably more handsome i'm funnier too, he gets on my nerves. Silly fat cunt. The met need to recognise fat on fat crime. Forget Operation Trident, it's all about Operation Pie-Dent.

Why is your name Hotpoint? You should ram a sparkler down your japseye to be true to your word fi reels!

Hotpoint is a rugby nickname form day - uni. Also, I got drunk once, rugby tackled a broken fridge to the floor in my garden, took out all the shelves and fell asleep in it. It was snowing and bare cold.

And THAT is why we love him so.

Get the mix ere > My cunty mate's mixtape