Tuesday, 29 September 2009

You got a HOOF but are you gonna skank doe?

Us PTC ladies are big fans of exercise. We mainly like to exercise our fingers by sending sexually charged tweets to grime MCs and we also like to exercise our mouths by eating hotrods as regularly as we can, but along with this we also like to indulge in things that leave us short of breath and leave our bodies pumping. Obviously daggering is our FAVORITE pastime but we also enjoy other work outs such as vigorous shopping for leggings that are too small on us (maximise the hoof), walking to KFC to buy the previously mentioned hotrods, decorating our rooms with posters of T.I and Collie Buddz and then doing things that make us break out in a sweat, shaking our hips and batties from side to side and pushing out our breasts at every buff ting to walk by and of course we aren't opposed to a bit of a (seductive) skank.

Ah yes, dancing. After all dancing is not only an excellent way to keep fit but it is also "a vertical expression of a horizontal wish" and all those other prudish ways of saying that dancing is basically sex minus the exchange of bodily fluids (unless you're lucky).

There are only 3 types of dance a PTC girl should aim to master:

1) DANCEHALL QUEEN

If we observe the above we can see that the hoof gets a maximum stretching workout as does the batty likewise. In turn this makes for a more comfortable getting down session which might result from practicing such moves up in the club.

2) BELLY DANCER

Now belly dancers can SHAKE - like a human vibrator. They move their bodies like a snake (hold tight R.Kelly) as well as managing to separate each part of their body so it shakes independently. Mastering bellydance means you'll be able to wriggle your way onto anything and, erm... MULTI-TASK.

3) SALSA SENIORITA

The best bit about salsa is that you need a partner most of the time and a lot of the moves involve legs intertwining and wrapped around your partner - it's basically a warm up of things to come - WIN.


Ballet who? Jazz where? Tap what? If it doesn't involve thrusting, pum pum/cocky contact or full body vibration then it's not dancing. Any other kinds of skanks would just be rude to be honest.

GET TO KNOW THE MOVES TO KEEP THAT HOOF IN SHAPE.

What fucking time do you call this!?

Any self-respecting PTC member worth the fabric up her crack knows that all the best parties kick off late - like 12am - and when you've been up all night 'vybzin' - and when I say vybzing I mean getting daggered by boys with slitty eyes and visable boxers- you're BOUND to be too tired to get up before, like, 11am.

So how the FUCK is 12pm MIDDAY?! I only just got up fool-fool inventor of time (Is that you God, did you invent that?! 'Av a word wit yaself)

12pm is like breakfast time - 'I'm just about ready to go out in public' O'clock.

And 12am - MIDNIGHT?! Nah blad, I just got ere. 12am is more like 'I've had one-two brandy and I am at my sexual and aesthetic peak for the night' (later my hair will go frizzy, I'll start proclaiming loudly that I 'DON'T GIVE A RARSE-CLART' and my wetlook leggings will be doused in Wray and Nephews from where I tried to impersonate a Dancehall Queen on the bar)

So these times are all wrong! 12pm isn't the middle of the day - 4pm is. And 12am isn't the middle of the night - 4am is! So God, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawkings, Darwin, Griminal - whichever of you invented this time ting please rectify.

Tanks.

x

http://twitter.com/search?q=%23petitiontomovemiddayto4pmandmidnighto4am

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Fight for this love>?! I would KILL you in a fight Chezza!!!

Fight for love? Fight for a handbag? Fight for a top 10 hit? She couldn't fight her way out of a frikkin brown paper bag with Roni Size AND DJ Khaled helping her.



The tune is a smolchy piece of crap - swear I heard you were working with Will.I.Am? Well he either boy'd you off in a big way or he gave up. And she has some weird synthetic voice thingy.



The video is SHIT.



What fucking tune are you dancing to!? You're in some 'sexy urban' wear and krumping ya way through 3 minutes of crap. Maybe she was wearing headphones because she sure as hell wasn't dancing to that crap.



And while I'm on the subject -

Ya 'marriage' to Ashley-suck-a-dick-Cole.



So, rewind our minds back to 2003 when a young Miss Tweed is on a night out (no doubt in full velour) and manages to get in a fight with the toilet attendant, calling her a 'black bitch'.





"On the night of the assault, Cheryl Tweedy was already wasted - on vodka and Red Bull, wine and complimentary champagne - when she staggered down to the ladies' lavatories. There sat 38-year-old Sophie Amogbokpa, a black lavatory attendant, who earned a paltry £25 a night with which she funded her part-time law degree. In the course of a dispute - during which Miss Amogbokpa requested that Tweedy pay up for the sweets she had snatched - an energised Tweedy punched her very hard in the eye. In the pictures, Amogbokpa looked as if she had been horribly mugged: she suffered pain for weeks."


Taken from The Telegraph no less!




So Cheryl is a racist little prick.

About this same time rumors surface pon da net that Asley has been getting his cock sucked by Masterstepz. Stepz has a very pronounced under bite, I reckon that might make for good head?








So, 1 pop starlet branded a racist and 1 footballer announced as the only gay in Chelsea Village.

Hmmmm what to do?!



Fast forward and the pair are convienantly wed.

Guess who DJ'd at the wedding?!?!

So Ashley can carry on getting his batty jooked in peace and Cheryl can attend her national front meetings without worrying about the negative press.




"My boyfriend's black, init"

"Batty? Nah man - my girls like Miss 2009 or sumting"





WE HAVENT FORGOTTEN!!!



PTC run tings, ting nuh run WE.



Remember that CHERYL CUNT.



Outtie



xxx

Twitterature

Awight?

So we played a new game today on the social minefield that is Twitter.
As Wednesday is rapidly becoming #sexday... we thought we'd write a little story to get our (creative) juices flowing.

There were a few key players, thanks guys - it was emotional.

Here goes:


Jess wasn't sure why she had agreed to this, but here she was...waiting for Carl in the penthouse suite of the best hotel in town (@blogatha)

She decided to prepare herself for his arrival and slipped out of her stiff suit and into the large tub of hot bubbly water(@fuchsiastiletto)

Typically, Carl was late, as was the hour and thus her mind wandered to what had happened the last time they... (@djhoop)

Carl glanced at his watch - 7:35 pm. the wheels of his ford transit van spun unsteadily against the tough concrete of the m25(@MrBeatnick)

He pressed down hard on the pedal, heart racing as he knew he would offend his love. installing that new sink had taken forever(@mrbeatnick)

As Carl sped to the hotel, enjoying the surge of lust that he had contained for so long...Jess' mind, and fingers, wandered down memory lane (@blogatha)

She lazily explored herself and remembered why she always kept coming back to her unavailable, yet irresistible love. She knew... (@blogatha)

...that carl was irresistible because he had a nigh perfect spiderman outfit...(@TaZzBo)

...which he suprised her with the last time they met up. As she felt the waves of excitement wash over her she heard his key turn the lock (@blogatha)

She felt her heart skip a beat, and she contemplated getting out the tub, but it was so nice in there, so she called out "I'm in here..." (@blogatha)

He carefully opened the door into the palacial en-suite and took in the heady scent of burning oils and bubbles (@TaZzBo)

"cor pet, you look dead fit" exclaimed Carl in an incredulous tone. "Owsabout I clamber in their and scrub yer back?" (@mrbeatnick)

His accent grated on her, it was true... but one sight of that ripped torso and she struggled to contain herself. "Don't say anything... (@blogatha)

...just take your clothes off" He willingly obeyed and kneeled at the side of the tub and began to kiss her neck. (@blogatha)

The scent of the bath oil aroused him, his hands caressed her body. Goosepimples covered her body as his kisses moved toward her...(@LondonBajan)

...bumhole (@guinnessdj)

"HOLD ON TO YOUR NIPPLES" he hollered (@kambo)

Carl had worked himself into quite a state by now, every inch of him was tingling with pleasure... and Jess was getting close too. (@blogatha)

She loved the way Carl could work her into such a lather, she grabbed feverishly at his glistening skin as he entered her and began to thrust (@blogatha)

Their bodies moved like pistons of desire, devouring eachother until the pleasure built up so much that Jess thought she may scream (@blogatha)

But just as they were about to explode, Carl withdrew and wildly exclaimed "THIS IS AN ART ATTACK" (@blogatha)


Jess remembered why she was hesitant to meet again. Carl was a fucking good shag but these Neil Buchanan impressions had to stop. (@blogatha)

Fin.


Hawt!

I love you Twitter x

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

RAWR

HELLO!





CHAINED TO THE RADIATOR IN THE PTC HOUSE

*swoon*

WE'RE THE PTC, WE'RE STOOPID FOR THIS RAP SHIT!





Luda and Premier would both get it in the face, repeatedly.

Yo, ho...HOE

What's dark and smooth and makes you wet?

What can't you get enough of going down your neck?

What gets you excited and then takes you to bed?

It's RUM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Ok, so the PTC like a lot of things...

You know we like Mr. Buddz, rubbing our Vajayjays on any man with a riddim and wearing enough realfakegold to make Captain Jack Sparrow (swoooon) come 'a knockin'

BUT

There is one thing that we would gladly give it all up for.

That's right...









A bold serving of dark rum with coke and a couple of lime wedges = sex (quite literally sometimes ;)


This wonderful elixir is responsible for turning this:





Into this:




Magic, huh?


Rum is always the tipple of choice, I mean.. it makes you feel sexier, tastes like heaven AND guarantees you a good night's sleep. Who needs a boyfriend with rum around?

So yeah, I'm dedicating this post to the wonder of rum...without you our lives would be considerably less sexy (and considerably more celibate)

We love you because you love us more.

Monday, 14 September 2009

Dj Yasmin mixtape

Mixtaaaaape...
Dj Yas

You all already knew how h'exellent our hoofs are, well here be another example of our multi-talented clan. Our very own Dj Yasmin doing what she does best and dropping us a 20 min mini mix sounds of Lisa Lisa and Missy E... 20 minutes of big tunes old and new school!

See we're not just opinionated potty mouths and sought after literary gems please feel free to add musical G's to that list too. Download & Enjoy...

You're welcome.

DOWNLOAD HERE

Friday, 11 September 2009

HEXentuate ya hoof during ya workout

I'm not a big fan of 'The Exercise' myself - I mean it REALLY gets in the way of me eating chicken and beign daggered (Oh gash, I just came up with a brilliant mental picture of the combo though - backshots over a KFC bucket anyone?) BUT the only advantage of the gym is the bare fit outfits that allow maximum hoof exposure.

It has now been brought to my attention (by the luffy @kambo) that the addition of a lickle sweat patch can be a big turn on. Kambo has witnessed this and been kind enough to draw me a picture (below)


So ladies. when you work out ya body - WORK THA HOOOOOF!

xxx

Monday, 7 September 2009

Ansah me dat.

5 questions, put out pon my Twitter. Best answers are below. I basikally LOVE most of them.

1) Hoof or Cleavage and why?

tonyblk@FuchsiaStiletto Hoof! Who doesnt prefer hoof? What Pleasure does cleavage give you really? Do i look like i wanna stare. I like a nice, warm, moist enviroment! Not feeling the residue though, especially when it dries....llow me (In depth, I like!)

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto Cleavage. Mine are 32GG. (Wooooyyyy, jealous, much?!) No other explanation needed. Thanks. X

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto has to be both, lubed hoof and pendulous sweaty dooos!

2) Tune to get your dagger on to?

tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Eskimo, infact any Grime tune. Why? cos i can release that aggressive side. them abusive ones there! Show me a woman who doesnt like a gun finger, and I'll show you a liar! (Swoon, literally fucking swoon. I'm bolding AND italicizing this one. I heart you Tony)

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hanson mmm bop. I fuckkng love blondes

Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 2)Bonnie Tyler Total eclipse of the heart Get our slow Dagger on

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto I would happily get dagger 2 this tune http://bit.ly/fJypR the lyrics say it all & the beat is sweet

hannarnia@FuchsiaStiletto n e bashment tune to get boned 2 lol

3) Bestest Chicken?

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto the colonel sanders, spicy stylee

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 3. My Aunt's Jerk - nuff said. Then Popeyes. KFC comes a very close third.

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto KFC...and my mum.

tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Morleys, quick ting, eat the wings n shullup, i aint taking you to grandma's. are you MWAD?

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Gyal needs to pop down to 'TakeTwo' for some Jerk chicken.... that chicken will put fire in yuh belly & love inna ya soul!

4) If you had to buy me a present to get at the hoof, what would it be?

GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto to get into it - a new fur! (I LOOOVVVE fur, fuck animals. I need your coat to look buffting so DIE)

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 4. Most likely a very expensive bottle of bubbly but if we're going all out for it, maybe a diamond necklace. (Nice, but give me Wray&Nephews anyday!)

insy09@FuchsiaStiletto whizz candy that crackles in your mouth (Could pop that in my hoof?!)

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto scarf soaked in chloroform (Works everytime! Personal fave)

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto To get in2 your hoof (no homo). I'd get you a years subscription to 'RudeBwoyz R' US'. Anyway u want them, u can have them! (Now THIS is more like it. Roooodeboys on demand?! WIN)

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto A dildo smothered in crystals that smelt of KFC and sang Jamaican love songs to you in a Yardy accent...OBVS (Now THIS is a girl that really knows me. Careful attention to detail)

Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 4) rohyphnol

5) You’re starting a fashion label, what do you call it?

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto "Look at my tits, they're real. Also look at my arse, it's cracking". Would be known as LAMTTR - ALAMAIC. RRP for all - £3 (I would actually rock this label all day long, plus star in the adverts)

tonyblk@FuchsiaStiletto Fashion? awah you tek me for? last thing i wanna be doing is giving you clothes. KMT. (Sorry, wasn't listening. You had me at 'Awah you tek...' <3)

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Fashion label... 'Daggerus'. the fashion line that says... When straight jooking is not enough... come fi di dagger! (Slogan is feckin brilliant)

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 5. Big Squirrell clothing - that's trademarked btw.

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hoof hat deluxe

GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto Hoof Couture - made tight round the crotch for extra hoofage! (WIN, WIN, WIN!)

In conclusion -

You're all bufftings but my love PrinnyAurora gets first choice of my hoof. How do you feel girl?!

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Cheers. I'd like to thank my mum, dad, brother, Jesus, God, My producer, my bra...

Oh and PTC we need to put our logo to some of these clothing ideas!

xxx

Friday, 4 September 2009

MOTHS FI DEAD


A prick cunt moth comes up to me inna di clluurb last night - about 'Got a light?' Fuck orrrrfff


I DECLARE WAR PON 'IM who eats CLOTHES. Lickle dusty rarse 'oles, living bumper car of a cunt.


If you love the light so much, GO OUT IN THE DAY YOU PRICKS


"Boom bye bye Inna moth bwoy head. Rude bwoy no promote no nasty moth, Dem haffi dead"


Follow the movement pon Twitter #mothsfidead


One love (except if you're a moth)


x

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Romance Fi Real



I'm in love, again.



Or is it lust?



So I watched 'True Romance' again last nigth and forgot what a muther fucking badddddda'OOMAN this chick is....

  • Reasons why-

She dresses in HWAT clothes

She has platinum blonde hair - anyone that can pull this off is heartable.

She has sex in a phone box

She laughs at the gangster tryiong to kill her, takes a serious beating and then MURKS HIM OFF with a corkscrew.

She has a FIT tattoo (which I want by the way - replace 'TRUE ROMANCE' with 'FUCK ROMANCE, GIMME HEAD')

She was a prossie 4 times then turned wifey - fair play gyally.

She is more than a little nuts!

She calls her kid Elvis.

I want to be her, arrange it pls God.

Safe blud

xxxx

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Pleasing the Pum, Twilight style.



So now you can get a Twilight-themed dildo...
Parents, prepare to see even LESS of your moody teenage daughters...



And here's the best part: The website suggests you store it in the fridge so it’s like you're boning a real vampire. Uhhh, right. But seriously, the target market is probably too young to buy it. But more importantly, where the fuck was all the character-themed hardware when I was growing up? I would have loved a Jack-from-Titanic one. Yesplz.
Oooh actually, a frozen Jack-at-the-end-of-Titanic dildo would be even better! STIFF.