Tuesday, 25 August 2009

As Carnival Weekend approaches it's time for us to practice shaking our batties

Who knows about Andressa Soares?

If you're a man that loves big bums then no doubt you will have seen her work. She's basically this Brazilian woman with a GIANT back off - probably bigger than if you were to join the back offs of the entire PTC. When my friend (a man with a dick and and a love for a girl with a gargantuan gluteus maximus) showed me this video, I was like "MOTHER FUCKING WOAH".

You know when Ice-Cube goes "I've got dick for days, you got ass for weeks..." Well she's got ass for fucking decades. Now over here at Camel hoof we do love our vaginas (no homo) but we also love to shake our rump (preferably in the crotch of a rapper/emcee/rudeboy/buffting) and try and do things with our bums that you only see in the videos.

In light of Carnival approaching and in light of the fact that most of us plan on drinking rum till we bleed and allowing our derrieres to be taken advantage of by any willing and able man dem who know how to grind a girl down to the very core of the earth, I think us ladies need to get some tips from the Andressa herself. Here she is in action:

Personally I plan on learning that entire routine and doing it to every song I hear. I propose we all learn it and where possible, stand against a wall in a line and do it all at the same time. So gentlemen if you wanna get down with PTC make sure your crotches are clean and available for you to force them into us from behind when we least expect it but most want it - basically most of the time.

Right I'm off to practice.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

GaGa Hoofcock?!

So I am overly late but Lady GaGa has a knob?! Ultimate hoof to be honest - I mean, when you're harbouring a folded cockie - that is an enviable bit of hoofed meat!!!


Monday, 17 August 2009

Who needs a penis when you've got pum pum shaaaarrrrtssss?

Getting preggers by your pum pum shaaarts is a regular occurrence for hoofalicious ladies.
Gwarrrrrn guuurrrrrlllll.

Friday, 14 August 2009

All that glitters might not be gold, but it IS fucking FIT.

Proof beyond all reasonable doubt that diamonds/gold/glitter are a girls best friend.

How fit?!!!!

If I can do this to a snail imagine how fit a PTC makeover could make YOU.

Simply add as many of the followig items as humanly possible and wear them with a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Schimples.

Enormous gold earrings, skin tight leggings, red lipstick, glitter, fake tan, long as possible ghetto nails, diamonds, anything jewell or sequin encrusted, anything that looks anything like Lil Kim may have once worn it, really bright trainers (Nike if possible) lycra, anything you've ever seen on Dancehall Queen.

We like this;

But with added this;


Thursday, 13 August 2009

PTC motto

Ladies pinch, whores rouge...PTC dagger.

That be all.

Straight up inna di PUM TANG CLAN

Busy BLATES wrote this song in dedication to PUM TANG CLAN. It's flippin' called "PUM PUM PUM" - SO obvious.

In a not so real interview with the man himself he said this (his responses may or may not be lyrics stolen from this song...shhh):

Camel hoof: Hiya Busy you love pum pum init?
Busy: Gotta get that pum pum pum... *hot head! hot head! hot head!*

CH: Safe. So what inspired you to write this song?
Busy: Mi seh me love di PUM PUM PUM, mi call her fi di PUM PUM PUM, link wid her fi di PUM PUM PUM, mi love di PUM PUM PUM.

CH: Cool. so what you sayin' then, do you like PUM TANG CLAN?
Busy: Mi love di girls, mi love di gyal dem.

CH: Wicked! So d'you wanna do a remix called PUM-TANG-CLAN since the syllables fit so perfectly?

So there you have it folks. you heard it here first - Busy Signal wants to get up in our belly belly belly belly bellies. Maybe we can be his his next video or summat. Thong bikini's ready, a vat of baby oil on standby and we're good to go.

The Other way into our Bosom

An Oldie but I think you definitely agree it's A GOODY... The original video's track suits the grinding time to a T but with well over a million hits the record company got all legal and removed the music... So this current track that's been used to replace it is a tad gash but, I have a feeling you won't mind ;).

EVERY TIME I watch this my mouth drops literally WHERE IS THIS MAN!? How the fuck is he this good!? Who taught him!? Is there some sort of school men can enroll in for this!?

Anyhow having calmed down, finished watching the video and refocused I want to make a proposition for all you guys who may be feeling a lil left out or intimidated... we are after all women that know exactly what we want from our career's, from our music, relationships... in our men.

So you're not a rapper, you can't MC for shit, you're not Collie Buddz, you don't have a insane amount of P... there is another way to find yourself in the bosom of PTC... DO THAT. EXACTLY THAT. Don't cut any shit out, don't try improving it as I doubt it can be improved any more... just do that.

Thanks, I'm off to watch it again.


Sunday, 9 August 2009

Expand Your Vocabulary

So I learnt a new word this week because a white middle-class girl like me needs to keep ahead of the game an ting in this harsh subURBAN world, innit.

And knowledge should be spread, like marmalade and college girls' thighs. So add to the PTC Dickshunhairy my new favourite word (and if it turns out to be old and I'm the last to know it, then fuck you, don't pick on me for being slow.)

Fupa (pronounced foo-pah)

Acronym for "Fat Upper Pubic Area"; also commonly referred to as Fat Upper Pussy Area (aka. "Gunt")

Descriptive of the phenomenon common with men and women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.
You've all seen them.

Causes: Fupatitis.

Only know cure: Fupandectomy

eg. "She's bigger than the Fupapottomaus, she is a FupaSaurus Rex!"

Exactly HOW I came across this word in the first place is the worst thing:
I had to look it up after I overheard a conversation while I was in the uni library, where Fatty said to Skinny, "i bet you don't have to lift your fupa to shave".
Unfortunately she left before I worked out what she was saying - I felt like running after her, yelling "WAIT! COME BACK! Let's be friiiieenndsss!!"

Holla at them girls with the floppy fupas, keeping their hoofs safe from rain, direct sunlight, and any potential sexual encounters. You've got your own inbuilt pumbrella/floatation device/fleshy chastity belt! Some girls get all the luck.

Friday, 7 August 2009

Girl crush ahoy

Erm, basically.....

I love this woman, alot.

Kezza babes, if you EVER wanna be in PTC, you can bagsie the penthouse.

Thanks to you, I have to start and finish every day with Slow Dance, or Energy, or Get Your Money Up or ANYTHING OFF YOUR DAMN ALBUM.

Big up your hoof.