Friday, 31 July 2009
"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?"
Having a hoof is glorious, but we all know a lil' maintenance is required to keep the rudbwoys coming thick and fast (whuuut?)
I wanna talk topiary.
Some like it Au natural, with a little strimming here and there, and some like to go the full 'plucked turkey'. Either way, it takes time, money and often EXCRUCIATING pain to keep our bits Hoofilicious.
Let's take a look at some of the options available...
Firstly we have the natural look. This is actually favoured by some men (obviously women like it too as it means minimal upkeep and pain) but I personally struggle to see the attraction.
Pros: Easy and cheap maintenance.
Cons: You look like the woman in the picture and may find small animals nesting within.
Next we move onto the slightly more civilised bikini line. Some girls like to shave theirs, some immac and some wax it. Called the bikini line due to the area exposed when wearing briefs. This looks a little nicer for any unsuspecting sun bathers, and also prevents you from becoming a human sponge when you get in the water.
Pros: Fairly quick to remove the offending hair and relatively painless. Looks neat and tidy.
Cons: If your bikini shifts slightly to the side, you'll be giving away the fact that you're actually a hairy Mary and not the smooth goddess you'd like them to think you are.
Now we come to the next level, whipping large areas of hair off.
The shaven haven:
See when I was at school, the shaven haven was a legend amongst schoolboys. There would be many a tale of "mate, she had a shaven haven" when truthfully, they were lucky if they'd even seen a pair of tits yet. So as a young girl, the shaven haven was something you'd have a go at to see what it was all about.
This is until you discovered it was a FUCKING BAD IDEA. Fair enough it's a quick fix if you get some unexpected nookie, but the sad reality is that it will itch like fuck when it grows back, and you'll be slicing your pray to pieces if they attempt some morning sex.
I've heard some scary stories about ingrown hairs too yo...
Pros: Quick, painless and cost effective way to achieve a smooth look and feel.
Cons: Light speed and uncomfortable regrowth, for everyone involved.
A better way to achieve the smooth look and feel is to go all out and wax the fucker.
We've already covered the 'safe' bikini wax, but if you're feeling a little more adventurous we have the Brazilian. A favourite of mine, the 'landing strip' gives the men (or women) something racy to look at, and also keeps things nice and simple 'down thurr' without leaving you looking prepubescent
Pros: Looks nice and simple, good compromise between hairy Mary and porn star.
Cons: As with all pubic waxing, it hurts like fuck and you MUST exfoliate or you'll be in ingrown hair hell. Listen to your waxist, she/he knows.
Now we come the the mother of all waxes. The Hollywood.
Now I ain't gonna lie, the first time you get this done it will feel like you're having your soul ripped out of your hoof. Seriously ladies, you need to be aware that this will leave you sore for at least a day.
So yeah it's the porn star wax. Not a hair in sight. Makes the hoof keeper feel kinda saucy, but it freaks many out as you probably haven't seen your hoof looking like this since you were like, 10.
Pros: No hair, no fuss. Gives you porn star confidence.
Cons: May haunt you for the rest of your life.
And there we have it, the many ways we can keep our hoofs looking lovely.
How do you do yours?
Also, any guys reading this: what's your favourite and do you do any maintenance of your own?
"Little young thing go around my dick with your tongue ring...."
Baby, if you guys are gonna collab on the PTC album then we got a deal.
Lil Kim knew it (I don't want dick tonight/ Eat my pussy right), Khia knew it (My neck, My back, lick my pussy and my crack) Missy knew it (Go downtown and eat it like a vulcha) and my girl Lish assures me that even MJ (RIP) knew it (Just eat it, eat it, eat it).
So guys - give ah pum a little kiss yeh?
"The revolution has begun and this guy KNOWWWSSS.
But don't worry baby - "Every little thing that we do, will be between me and you".....
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Sooooo my boy Slagjekt did what no man has dared to do yet and aired his views on the militant, hoof touting collective that has become the PTC. Personally I'm not averse to seeing the full crumpled cock outline busting out onna breh but make your own opinions biatches!
Writing a guest blog for Camelhoof is hard enough as it is, what with all the militant filth spewing forth from the fanny-crease army better know as the PTC. But consider the fact that I'm male and you start to realise the territory I'm entering into here. Still, I'm gonna man up on some Jean Claude Van Flange levels and get it wrote, because that's what needs to be done.
So what do us penis-having motherfuckers think about the almighty hoof? Let's get a proper definition first yeah, so I seem all intellectual and shit - "Cameltoe is a slang term that refers to the outline of the female labia majora when seen through tight form-fitting clothes".
Ok, what the fuck is a labia majora? I want to know what a cameltoe is, not sit down for a 4 hour seminar with Patrick Moore about the outermost constellation in our solar system. Actually, come to think of it, that pervy old fucker might be onto something: The Great Bear - don't front girls, you know there are some of you that let your shit bush out far too much down below, what up Venus razor?; The Plough - end of the night, WKD drunk, what's the going rate for child support blackmail these days?; The Labia Majora - a wide expanse of matter which creates a vaccum, sucking in all around it, culminating in a white dwarf.
Right, that's clear then. Now, I gotta put this into perspective for us lot. There are times when my boxer shorts decide they want to go hiking and bust out of position and that is neither comfortable nor a pretty sight. Every male has been there, unless they roll commando in which case their problems lie in continual cock-chafe and I just ain't about spending the greenbacks on lotion to sort that shit out. Right, now when a guy has his nut sack going into different hemispheres, there is surely nothing as unattractive as that for a girl? Similarly, when I see some spandex slithering its way into oblivion between a girl's thighs, it's more a case of sneer than leer.
Oh fuck it, who am I kidding? Essentially every boy starts each day as that wide-eyed virgin he was when the only way he got any action was the stealth-bogle behind the girl with the big batty during "Re-Rewind" at a shit house party he wasn't actually invited to. And what do virgins want more than anything? Well, alright, they wanna fight alongside one of the X-Men and have badarse metal claws and shit, but second to that, they want vagina. They don't know what to do with it when they get it, but at least with the hoof on show, they can satisfy themselves with salivating behind their Star Trek annual.
All hail the hoof!
Abjekt aka Hoof-face Killah.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Thursday 13th August 2009
The Jazz Cafe
Camden Town, NW1
020 7916 6060
COLLIE BUDDZ & NEW KINGSTON BAND
+ FREE to all aftershow party from 11pm by REGGAE ROAST playing the finest roots and culture, Dub, Dancehall and dubstep. www.reggaeroast.co.uk
We've kindly agreed to open it up to the public, I mean, how else are we gonna get drinks? (HINT HINT)
So if you love Collie Buddz, The PTC or both (or neither and you just want to see a bunch of drunk women awkwardly rubbing their vagines on people) then come along!
YOU SHOULD BE TOO
And Mr.Buddz... be prepared ;)
Friday, 24 July 2009
As we all know, Collie Buddz is like a God to the PTC. Therefore, I have written a little ditty in his honour. Listen to this song first to get a feel for the melody:
Now sing along, using our new words (only got about two verses, don't watch that):
Collie Collie Buddz
How you make me moist down there
Could it be your shaven hair?
Or just because you're really, really fit?
I think that could be it
Your heavenly physique does things
I wouldn't have the balls to sing
But while my mouth is open let's *commit*
Because your 'Private Show'
It makes me want to grind my mound
How my hoof enjoys your 'Come Around'
It does strange things you see
I can sometimes feel you watching me
I like that you can see ;)
Collie Collie Buddz
Put your lips all over me
Imagine I'm your favourite weed
And take me back to your house, let's make haste
Your arms around my waist
We're singing 'Mamacita' too
I'm grinding hard right up to you
You're spellbound by my tits, I mean my face
Now I understand
What you're trying to say to me
How you want to make a wife of me
But there's just one thing you see
You won't whore yourself 'round PTC
And that's not cool with me.
*cough* As you were.
- We don't wear bullet proof vests because they flatten your titties
- Our gardens are actually green as opposed to the one in the pic above because we water our flowers and trim our hedges, get me
- We don't carry arms because carrying a shottie in lycra just makes it look like you have a huge penis
- Last but not least, we need boys like the above daggering US! (See below post)
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Monday, 20 July 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
I've realised that writing your first blog entry is sort of like entering a swimming pool:
On the one hand, you can carefully introduce yourself to it, step by step - OOH COLD! MY NIPPLES! - until you adjust to the temperature... Or you just cut the bullshit and jump, sending your huge ass into the water and, with any luck, crashing into some old butters wearing a swimming cap. (It goes without saying that the second option is the best of the two.)
Even better, you can think of it like losing your virginity: in which case, I've been a frigid bitch, holding off on actually doing the deed (I've been without internet, and Blogger sucks out on iPhone, sorry) but now I'm here, innit! And I'm nervously fumbling around, blindly sticking things in holes, and inevitably I will feel a little confused and vulnerable in the morning.
So PTC, add another notch to your bed-post, because you have violently busted in this blogging hymen. Holla at your girl... and can I have my pants back please?
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
I understand it must be really difficult waking up in the morning to a hot mami with a tiny waist and an ass like woah, reading all those zero's on your bank balance, bathing in Cristal before you put on your limited edition Kanye x Louis Vuitton sneakers and iced out chain then rolling out the yard in your blacked out Range sittin on 34"s.
CUDI I know the fame gets a bit much for you, but you'll get used to it, you're a trooper, now get back out on the field.
FAB, I'm not sure what your deal is but I miss the happy FA-BO-LO-US, get your head back in the game and sell some rekkids.
And you, yeah you DIDDY, or is it PUFFY now? Make up your fucking mind. What you so sad about? Cassie got bored of your pencil dick already? I'm sure there's a million model chicks dying to be R&B singers that would jerk you off for a six figure advance so crack a smile would you? And while you're at it take that stupid toothpick out of your mouth, it didn't catch on you toolbox. You have absolutely fuck all to be moaning about.
Ever inspired by Fuertes, I felt it compulsory to compile a list of some sexual beings that would standardly get tied to the radiators in our Sorority house.
Anyone who's ever come within ten metres of me will not be surprised by my first choice. My aim in life is to obliterate any existence of that wretched pig he calls a wife and be his ride or die bitch for life.
2. Idris Elba
I personally don't see the big hoo-ha with my fellow Brit Idris but many a girl on road would standardly give him babies, this one's for y'all.
3. Brody Jenner
Look at that smile! Look at that jawline! Look at that bank balance! Yep Brody Jenner is fit and he knows it but he won't be so smug when I crank the thermostat on that radiator.
4. Tyson Beckford
Do I need to explain?
5. Method Man and Redman
These guys are more than just sex objects for us ladies to lust over. These two men have depth and substance. Their rapping skills go without saying and they've got jokes. I could definitely see these guys staying up all night rolling spliffs and dashing henny in our cups while we all sit and reminisce about the Wu Tang days. I think these two would be allowed off the radiator and promoted to the cupboard....maybe.
Hallowed be The Name Pum Tang Clan;
Thy mandem come,
Thy will of the Beta Taf Kappa be done,
on earth as it is in the house of Pum.
Give us this day our daily P, Hoodrats and Chicken
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we smite those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation, unless the entire sorority is present and counting
but deliver us a bounty of successful rappers with our own personal starring roles in their videos and deliver un to us an ample selection of eye rape worthy men... Collie Buddz, Tyson Beckford, Reggie Bush and so on...
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of Beta Taf Kappa : "We hold these truths of the PTC to be self-evident, that all rude boys are created to worship our every single move, grind, weave-a-lish and acryliced up rude gyal selves."
God bless Remy Ma, God bless PTC
SO, after much hype and deliberation, it has been decided that the PTC will move into a sorority house - BETA TAF KAPPA (PTC in Greek for all you uneducatedz)
Situated in the Hollywood Hills (or wherever Mariah Carey does her videos) it shall be a beacon for borderline alcoholic chola mamis across the globe, the epicentre of all things hoof.
Here is a list of a few fixtures and fittings that will feature as standard, the PTC will add to it as and when they think of more. We'll be auditioning for a little home help in the near future, so if you're a hot young man with a nose stud, a checkered past and MTV base aspirations...come on over, we'll make you famous....
OK so here goes:
UPDATED 14/07/09 By Blogatha
Collie Buddz wallpaper
MTV Base '100 Greatest slow jamz of all time' playing in all bedrooms 24/7
The RnB garden, with bronze sculptures of TLC and a Disaronno fountain
The doorbell will play Jay Z's Big Pimpin' in it's entirety
Monday, 13 July 2009
Ladies, have you ever been on a few dates with a guy, felt that tingling on the inside, only to find out under all that charm and swagger he's one of those? Now don't get me wrong, I feel for all you men out there that lack in the penis department, but accept your *ahem* shortcomings, buy a vibrator and step your sex game up. There's nothing worse than a guy whose equipment can only be described as short and fat, who also thinks that girth is gonna get you there. Because truthfully baby, you can shove that sausage roll in as hard and fast as you like but those moaning sounds you hear aren't from pleasure, but from the uncomfortable sensation of having our pussy lips being pushed in and out at rabbit like speed.
Word of advice for the women: next time you get into the bedroom and see something similar to the picture above, shake your head and say, "I didn't know you were one of those" and walk out that door. You're only looking out for number one, afterall.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
...is a fucking G. Whatever happened to her? Apart from being the other woman bumming Biggie that Lil Kim parred, she ended up mainly being 'that bird what had pink hair in Murder Inc'. She's cocking amazing- I'm sorry...trash tattoos, shocking pink hair, pout looks like she's permanently screwing/ trying to hold a pencil between her nose and top lip and a voice like a top end mafioso? YES...all of y'all remember this piece of summer genius too...
If you see Chuck scrounging chicken wings out of bins on the streets of Philly return her to the Pum Tang Clan please. Ta.
Friday, 3 July 2009
Remember the glory days when we would spend all day on there, smugly smiling to ourselves when we nailed a sick layout? Agonising over top friends? Taking 4560 pictures just to get one money shot? Squealing uncontrollably when we successfully found our favourite song to add?
Myspace pages are so much more user friendly than Wastebook or Shitter (from a viewing perspective, not so much the editing function these days, oh and you can't get many full length tracks but WHATEVS)
LET'S BRING IT BACK, DON'T LET IT DISAPPEAR.
You know what to do.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
If however you're not a fan of vacuous, sycophantic (my word of the month yo) BORING, poorly written, Perez Hilton wanna-fuckin-be, mindless pap then steer clear. She is proper blog cancer. I mean...
"I am the UK’s coolest party girl. I only go to the best parties and I am at the heart of the action when I’m there. I don’t get starstruck by celebrities because I’ve met all of the biggest stars already."
Oh we're so impressed babes...you should've stayed and admirably rotted to death at The Mirror rather than pursuing a career as an official ass licker. Fall back bitch.