Camel Hoof

The REAL story of childbirth

2011-02-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

For those who didn't know - I had my baby! Whoop!!

Books CANNOT prepare you for birth - they lie and leave out all the shit bits. So read this and never have sex again.

So I went to the MW for a 'sweep' on Tuesday 18th @ 3pm.
It actually wasn't too bad - agressive fingering, no worse than I've suffered at the hands of over-excited teenage virgins.

Midwife said my cervix was only 1cm dialated and still fairly firm (fuck knows what this means) so I didn't think anything would happen.

I went home and did a wank while nipple stimulating (worth a try and passes the time!) and then at about 11pm I started getting cramps.

By midnight they were 'contractions' and every ten mins. I'd totally lulled myself into a false sense of security, even saying to my boyf 'Is this it?! Women are so extra - its not bad at all'.

FUCK ME

By 6am they were coming every 3 mins and quite painful. By the time i've quickly shaved my vag for the hsp they are every minute and a half - I'm convinced i'm going to give birth in the car and am now in a lot of pain. Get to the hosp to be examined and told i'm ONE FUCKING CM DIALTED. (You have to get to ten before you can push the kid out)

Resist the urge to yank my own cervix apart with bare hands, return home.

SIX MORE HOURS OF CONTRACTIONS EVERY MINUTE AND A HALF.

Return to hosp to be told i'm now 4cm. Get gas and air, which is fucking amazing! I did puke but its like doing poppers - suddenly my rave days came flooding back and spent the next hour trying to find happy hardcore on the ipod and making boyf take pictures of me with the tube of KY jelly I found hilarious.

From 12pm when I got to hosp to 12 am when they said I was FINALLY 10cm I only had one shot of morphine (SHIT, made me feel tired and sick) and it seemed like the longest day of my fucking life.

At one point I was standing up lent over a chair and pissed myself down my legs and then cried about my lack of dignity! hahah - whatever, later I would be shitting myself AND braying like a sexually abused donkey.

SO I was finally 10cm (so my vag had officially stretched out to the size of a diarylea box) by midnight (yep, a full 24 hours since my contractions had started, no sleep) and ready to push the little fucker out!

WOO HOO

Stupid contractions decide to drop to one every 7 minutes - so I'm pushing then waiting while her head retracts back up my fanny tube or whatever its called.

They put me on that drip thing to speed up my contractions but i'm so tired I can't push anymore. By 3am I've been pushing (to no avail) for 3 hours and the babies heart rate drops and she poos inside me (Rank)

They bring in DR SOLOMON! I hate/love him. I love him for delivering my baby safely, I hate him for being so inconsiderate of my poor vagina! Never trust a doctor with tribal scars to be gentle with your lady garden.

He pops one of those suctiosn cups on her head and waits for a contraction then literally WITH TWO HANDS ON THE LEAD LIKE HE'S ENTERING A FUCKING TUG OF WAR AGAINST HULK HOGAN, yanks her out!

They checked her over and when she was fine passed her to me. Then Dr frikkin Solomon pulled the placenta out - totally hurt more than the baby. I called him a cunt. Boyf laughed, Midwives looked apalled, baby looked at me shocked. hahah poor little ting, first words she hears from her mother!

I tore a little - a total surprise, I though my vag was adequately stretched out from years of rough sex - and had 2 stitches. I did ask Solomon for another stitch to give me a virgin vagina but he just laughed like I was joking!!

OH - if you do decide to give birth - DON'T LOOK AT IT. Within an hour of giving birth I was positioning myself in front of the en suite mirror to look at my poor vag - super size big mac srpings to mind - with a side order of kebab meat and chilli sauce!

Don't do it to yourself - its nearly normal again now and I wish i'd waited a week to look!!!!!

BUT

All of that aside Isla is absolutely gorgeous and has brought out a new softer side to me, I spend hours looking at her and haven't even considered selling her on Ebay - even when she cries at 5am.

I might even do it again - I reckon a chinese one next!?

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CUNT

2011-01-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

Baby,

You have now given me THREE stretchmarks, you seem to think its fine to constantly kick/elbow me in the ribs and sometimes drop kick me in my fanny, I can't eat more than a fist sized amount of anything.

I tried to have sex last night to shift you and it was hideously degrading - I was rolling around groaning like a naked, shaved hippo. Well actually not shaved - like a hairy hippo. I haven't seen my vag in weeks, god knows what is going on down there.

Plus, if you stay in any longer I will have to go to prison for murdering firstly your stupid, unsympathetic father and then every single person who looks directly at my bump and says 'NO BABY YET THEN' - WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU STUPID CUNT!?? NO, NO BABY'

And then you'll be left to the social services and you'll probably grow up to be a drug dealer or prostitute.

So I suggest, for your own good, you GET OUT.

ASAP.

ENDERS BENDERS

2010-09-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Eastenders spoiler*:

Stacey dies in the fire but not before telling ryan he's the real father so him and janine take custody of Lily. The father of sams baby is MINTY. Ronnie announces she is pregnant. Tanya comes back to the square and she has a secret..! Phil gets clean and ben comes out of prison but he has bulked up and looks a lot different. Grant comes back and sweeps jane bk 2 portugal. Minty leaves heather to be with sam. Syed and christian get married but syed has a devestating announcement. Ameera returns but dies during childbirth making syed and christian the first gay parents on EE!

OI IF THIS IS TRUE - WWWOWOOOOOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOOWWOW

Swallowing - less trouble than a kid

2010-08-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don’t already know – I’m having a yardie yout. WHOOP. Or so I thought.

Initially (after the ‘shit-I-can’t-down-rum-and-take-a-line-of-cocks-on-a-Saturday-night’ panic) I was excited. YEAY. I was going to get big boobs and a sexy bump and be a babymama!

BUT

These pregnant pricks don’t give you the full story – every single female I know who says she got the pregnancy ‘glow’ can suck out. Suck her own kid out. It’s LIES. The glow is sweat from hulking your size 16 arse around.

So, as a public service I’m going to keep you up to date with all the rank things about pregnancy. Please feel free to direct your teenage sisters/broody girlfriends here. You might even get her to agree to swallowing instead. Better a mouthful of spunk than 9 months of excess vaginal mucus.

1) You wee NUFF – I have to get up like 3 times in the night to piss. This makes me knackered, I may get a potty

2) Pregnant boobs may look fit but they HURT – having them played with is like someone trying to finger fuck your swollen fanny after a 6 man train

3) On the subject of swollen fannies – your pum gets BARE FAT, like the lips and everything swell. This might be lovely and make me tighter than before I discovered black cockie BUT I’m too busy weeing and puking to actually have sex

4) Your nipples start to excrete some weird, crusty white shit. This might be a problem if it wasn’t for point 2.

5) You LEAK – like from everywhere. For some reason being knocked up makes you have a runny nose, nose bleeds, leaky nipples and an excessively slimey fanny. The fanny slime smells sweet, kinda like popcorn but still I don’t want it

6) I was sick CONSTANTLY for about 4 months. It’s annoying because when I tried to be bulimic I couldn’t make myself puke but now I’m definitely going to get fat my body decides it will co-operate. Cunt.

7) I’m spotty – like a teenage McDonalds worker

8) Hair grows EVERYWHERE – on my expanding belly, out sideways from my gash, on my nipples… its hideous

I haven’t even experienced stretchmarks, milk leaking, the birth and sleepless nights yet. I best have the cutest, best-behaved baby ever.

TRUST MEH – MEK HIM PULL OUT AND SPUNK ON YOUR TITS.

BANANAS

2010-07-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

OK so basically, I like to take bananas to work for my breakfast. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm one of them! But no matter how hard I try to make it look like I'm just eating a yummy, healthy snack I always get stared at, and - as it appears to me - accused of committing a gross social indecency.

It's interesting to think that a food can have such stigma attached to it. A banana is unlike smelly hot food that can bother people nearby with it's odour. This is a fruit, and because of it's shape and size, is discriminated against - believed to only be eaten in private, or sliced up.
Not that I'm trying to preach banana rights, or start campaigning against produce-discrimination. I just want to put it out there that I DON'T FELLATE THE FUCKING THING.

Whether I'm eating it in a normally, aggressively, busily, in small mouthfuls, or in a bored, innocent 'good girl' fashion (I must admit this gets the most stares from men), I still get looked at like I'm a pervert. Particularly by mothers with small children, usually while they're sheltering them and hurrying out of the café.

Whatever, I can't win. If I didn't enjoy the spectrum of social awkwardness prompted by me eating a simple bloody piece of fruit, then I wouldn't still be doing it. Instead, I would probably eat it in the privacy of my home, and walk out minutes afterwards looking disheveled, with a shiny blob of banana purée on my chin.

Fuck 'em.

-- Posted from my iPum

Music to get fucked to!

2010-07-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

My secret long-term lover Dj Hotpoint has made a lurvvvely CD for you students/reminiscing bank workers/waitresses to get fucked up to.

Down 6 pints of snakebite, dance around your living room, pass out naked and piss yourself - this is the soundtrack to student life.

Oh, he's gonna do 3 more too - Hip-Hop, Dubstep and Club Classics soon come!

If you don't know about Hotpoint already, quite frankly I'm ashamed of you. Read this 3 question interview immediately, download the mix and remember where you heard it first - this cunt is going places - and I don't just mean down the piss stained tights of Freshers.

Have you ever pissed/shat yourself? I need to reassure people you are qualified to make an album for students.

Every adult has, to some extent, soiled themselves. Everyone who doth protest otherwise is a liar or a bore or both. A boar you might say.

If I said you looked like James Corden would you hold it against me? And by it, I mean ermm..... your peen?

James C comparisons are incessant but not only am I considerably more handsome i'm funnier too, he gets on my nerves. Silly fat cunt. The met need to recognise fat on fat crime. Forget Operation Trident, it's all about Operation Pie-Dent.

Why is your name Hotpoint? You should ram a sparkler down your japseye to be true to your word fi reels!

Hotpoint is a rugby nickname form day - uni. Also, I got drunk once, rugby tackled a broken fridge to the floor in my garden, took out all the shelves and fell asleep in it. It was snowing and bare cold.

And THAT is why we love him so.

Get the mix ere > My cunty mate's mixtape

#ErinsTips

2010-06-10T04:31:00.001-07:00

Guys; use the World Cup time to try and fuck other peoples neglected girlfriends.

My Little Pony

2010-06-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

UNICORNS.

It's the new in-ting.

They spunk glittery Dior lipgloss, fart sequins and piss rainbows - if you need proof;

I'm obsessed with the idea of one alternately screwing me with his ribbed-for-her-pleasure horn and his cool, smooth man/horse peen.

Look at his tight little batty! It's like Applejack turned up at a school reunion with prison tattoo's and a gold tooth. *SWOON*

This guy is next level, I can almost imagine him drumming his little pink hooves on my shoulders and leaving me, sore, satisfied and with a vag full of glitter glue.

Obviously, this fit fuck would still get it but to be honest - I'd be fantasising about a horn the whole time :(

LIB MAN DEM

2010-04-16T02:35:00.000-07:00

VOTE LIB MAN DEM.

"DEM MAN ARE ARRRRRDDD"

Nick Clegg "Still taking my time to perfect the beat and I still got love for the streets" - Reason1 why you should vote #LIBMANDEM

Oh Hai Bloggy - wha gwan?!

2010-04-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

So basikaalllyy, I’ve been neglecting my poor little bloggy. It’s the Gareth Gates of the blog world, left in a corner stuttering and crying.

Suh mi back, mi back, mi back.

A catch up on my life for you all;

I had to move out of my flat cah stooopid landlord wanted it back for his daughter. I tell you, that bitch is getting my daily morning steamer through her letterbox.

I had to scrap my car - I’d been driving it round like a goonbag with no insurance, MOT, tax for 3 months and while it did make me feel like a naughty badgal and encourage me to touch myself, I don’t really fancy the thought of prison with no cockie. I took it to the scrap metal place and they gave me £124 for it! WHOOP. I bought a Fiatrarri – its BADDAMAN, the clock only goes up to 120mph but it has electric windows and little Ferrari like badges on the seats. SICKTINGS.

Plus I get to shout ‘BUS WANKERS’ at people.

I’m moving to the fucking big smoke. I’m literally so excited I can’t type properlike. I need a job first though – anyone need a lazy, Jafakian slut to shuffle paper of something? Hollllaaaa

Oh and GIGGS is following me on Twitter. My life is pretty much complete now. I just need his permission to call him Giggidy-Giggidy and I’ll start on the Family Guy photoshops. WIN.

Xxxxxxx

*I’m stroking my batty on your crotch*

Party like my chica ROXSTARRRR!

2010-03-26T02:33:00.000-07:00

If you live under a rock or in Hertfordshire (like moi) you may NOT have heard of RoxXxan.

If that's the case - SLAP YO SELF.

She's sick and she can par with the big boys. I first heard her spit at a Chockablock with P-Money and she totally held her own.

I'm gonna try and get her to do a lickle Hoof interview soon - she totally embodies all we PTC love - looking hot and talking grimey!

In the meantime go here >>> and listen for yourself.

Oh and join the group on Facebook for updates and videeeooos. Just search 'RoxXxan'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9krZYKZyO4

Blad - we salute you!

xxxxxxxx

They call me James Blunt, they call me PumPum.....

2010-03-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

Not only is this URL sicker than the fact that I've wanked over Peter Beale but it contains the best list EVAH produced.

www.loveyourvagina.com

These people made chicks tell them what they call their pum -some of them are fucking HILARIOUS!

Go there and read them and that but these are my personal faves.

• Barak obama
• The downtown dining and entertainment district
• Lickety split
• Ethel
• Velvet underground
• Penis flytrap
• Clunge
• Tally hole!
• Pikachu
• Furbelow
• John
• The jam factory
• Party ring
• Scrambled eggs between the legs
• Fairy penguin
• Madge the vag
• Bumbaclart
• Vaginator
• Velvet thigh purse
• My precious
• Lickity-split
• My full english breakfast
• Pumpum
• Ninja turtle
• Me bits
• James blunt
• Hotbox
• Big pimpin
• The box office
• Princess consuela bananahamock
• Flappy falafel
• Cameltoe!

hahahhah I love my pum - do you?

xx

#ErinsTips

2010-03-10T03:30:00.001-08:00

Fruit Pastills make excellent tools to train your jaw for blowjob stamina.

#ErinsTips

2010-03-10T03:29:00.001-08:00

Men - Suck Pussy

PTC Meets >>> Mr Junior Spesh aka Terra!

2010-03-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

Chicken and rudeboys are basically my two favourite things so I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a bunch of rudeboys, in a chicken shop mc’ing about chicken on Channel 4!!!

AND they even mentioned my fave condiment – mayo!

(no sexual connotations – mi nuh deal with dat) SWWWOOONNN

Meet TERRA – one part of the crew ‘Red Hot Entertainment’ and creators of the most sexual tune ‘JUNIOR SPESH’!

(I’m totally determined to make it through this interview without taking about sex.)

Soo..

If KFC wanted you to do them a tune, but you had to dress up in a chicken suit BUT you got paid £10k to do it - would you?

Without a doubt In my mind! I would even dress up twice if I had to for that money lol

Leg or breast? ;)

BREAST BREAST BREAST (or thigh)

I’ve failed already – I’m totally flaunting my double d’s!

Junior Spesh should totally do a 'Happy Meal 'ting and include a toy - what'dy reckon? Packet of rizzla?

Lol Um, yeah I suppose so – buy a JUNIOR SPESH and get the MP3 free?? <>I’m in marketing for a reason – great ideas like these don’t come around everyday > chicken shop man, hallah at meh.

Do you get free Junior Spesh meals now you gave them all this promo? You totally should!

Yeah occasionally I do, sometimes I feel like paying him though, I mean business is business but if im in a rush I just leave when he gives me the food, he doesn’t mind. None of the workers there mind, on the day of the video shoot he gave out about 10 of them for free for the extra’s etc. It was crazy. I guess he appreciates! I don’t expect a free meal when im there though lol I just courtesy of them, I respect.

Awww, that’s cute. If I got free chicken I’d be huge. That that half ton mum ting on tv where she looked like a puddle of person.

OMG I forgot, I saw you on Rude Tube! That's sick!

Lol yeah that came about a while ago before it was aired on Channel 4/E4 , they hollad asking if we would give them quick talk on the whole thing and ofcourse we said yeah. The interview was roughly 30 minutes long and you only saw what? 2 minutes of it lol no worries much love to channel 4!

Maybe the rest was too rude for rude tube!? *mind wanders*

Haha You could say that *winks*

Shit, was I thinking out loud?

So what are you working on now? If it helps I'm very partial to a curry - ever considered going Bollywood?

Me, myself as a solo artist im working on a whole bunch of stuff, my mixtape is out in July. Im gonna release that digitally on iTunes, few online places and ill try for a few stores so its looking good. I have some collaborations also with artists I wont say the name for just yet lol. But Ill give YOU an exclusive when its all good to go, definitely. As far as RED HOT ENTERTAINEMTN go we ware doing A LOT. Our music video “LLL” is on TV screens this april so look out for that. And in terms of more food song, I couldn’t tell you lol Bollywood? – nope.

There go my dreams of appearing in the video in a red/gold/green sari and smearing myself in korma

Lol you are crazy, you never know what the future holds.

I looked up 'Junior Spesh' on the tinternet and it said it can also be a name for an underage hottie - have you heard that before? It make me laugh, still.

Lol nah I actually haven’t but you know what ive seen? There is an online ‘Urban Dictionary’ and somehow “junior spesh” is included. Who ever done that is a joker lol, made me laugh.

That’s where I saw it! The top result was you and then I saw the underage ting! I love it.

I love chicken and I love a good daggering - I've been debating mixing the two. Do you reckon food in bed - in particular chicken - is sexy or wrong?

Lol sex, then food definitely. Chicken would go down! Imagine getting pounded eating a hot wing? LOL classic but ill keep it clean.

I don’t eat meat off the bone – but I’d love a lickle slow whine and a crispy strip. Ya gets meh?

“Crispy strip” I love the irony lol!

Your tune 'Sexy Teacher' - is it real? Did you never try and do her in the art supplies cupboard?

Lol no, no I never attempted anything like that! That song is very true though! A friend of mine who is also an artist in Red Hot Entertainment, “KEE” was involved in a little something with me back in school lol. Nothing major I just love this one teacher Miss Primera (hope she sees this haha), very sexy. So thinking back made me write that, planning the video for that this year also if things go well!

Teacher/Student is my fave game – I did tweet Justin Beiber the other day asking him to play with me but he didn’t reply. Mean kid.

>>

OMG it turns out chicken and emcees really IS a glorious combo.

And for that, Terra, I’ll always be your number one fan

xxxxxxx

Terra >> Thank you! Much love to you and everyone supporting!

Contact him>

Facebook: Terra Artist << E-STALK HIM
Twitter : www.twitter.com/terrasworld << fallah him!
Myspace : www.myspace.com/terrakidstar << Frap over his pics
Youtube: www.youtube.com/terrakid <<< Frap over his vids

Go on, enjoy some fingering on me.

2010-02-22T01:55:00.000-08:00

Valentine's is over (thank god, I was treated to 7 hours of my man trying to complete Avatar on the PS3 while I tried to get his cock out) and it's still a cold and loveless world.

That is until you get yourself some second base action to the sound of the 'Heavy Petting Mixtape'.

DJ Hotpoint (luvable rogue I want to rub myself off against) and DJ Cable (Santa Baby, PTC single, creator) present a mix CD to rival all others.

Its HACKTUALLY designed for you to listen to while your pum is being pleasured. SWOON.

Download it, and read the tracklisting here >> ERE BLAD

Then go home and either command some roodeboy to play with your va-jay-jay while you listen OR play the masturbato game and see if you can make yourself cream before track 4.

Good Times.

(I totally did NOT forget to write about this on Valentines Day.)

She's a LADDDYYYYY, woah woahhhh, she's a LADY.

2010-02-19T04:41:00.000-08:00

Today is a sad day :(

Lady Gaga totally doesn't have a penis.

She's ruined it, I was gonna go shopping with her, look at her boobies, go to celebrity parties and then do sex with her penis.

Now i'll just have to go old school and finger her.

Bad times.

Roid Rage

2010-02-17T04:33:00.001-08:00

I got a chest infection.

Its so fit, everytime I lie down I cough till I gag like I tried to deep throat Lexington Steele.

I went to the doctor and they gave me ROIDS.

WIN.

So i'm gonna get BLENCH and have a mini cock like so;

And get biceps bigger than your front room.

And then when I get roid rage I'm gonna go to raves and screwface emcees and bang out P Money (no rapeage, well maybe a little) and then I'll be the baddest fucker around.

So yeay!

Mwah

xx

formspring.me

2010-02-02T17:51:00.001-08:00

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

I'd get a boob job, buy an extravagant fruit basket, and then pay the ShamWow guy to fuck himself in the ear. And he'd do it, too.

Ask me anything

Ginger fanny magnets

2010-01-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

Its official, FUCK a yardie dancehall artist or a durrrty south rapper IT HAS TO BE GINGER.

It all started with Bradley from Eastenders.

He's the frikkin cutest and I like to think he'd get those cute little red cheeks when I put the slow whine on him.

Then came Jamie Howard.

I would do some seriously rude things to this guy. He's funny, ginger, a lickle bit ghetto and he have lips for lipsssiiinnggg. I found it hard to find the right picture - THERE ARE THAT MANY PENG ONES.

I'm pissed that everyone seems to have caught on, I don't want to share my stick of delicious ginger candy with these hoes!

My latest and greatest love.

AFRO-E

HE HAS A GINGER AFRO FOR JAH'S SAKE! And he slyly looks like Justin from Hollyoaks.

I forced him to send me some topless pics this morning but OBVS I can't share - this ginger fro is all mine bitches!

#GINGERSARETHENEWBLACK

xx

20,000th post ah gwan

2010-01-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

I have made 20,000 posts on TWITTER.

IT'S ALOT.

IT'S A MUUUDDDD TTTIINNNGGGG

That is alot of frikkin tweeting.

Thanks to erryone who made it possible - PTC, AW4sum loves yaaaaa xx

So, this is generally what I tweet about.

I heart that heart is top!

Fallah meh @FuchsiaStiletto

SANTA BABY - DJ Cable ft Awsome Foursome

2009-12-23T03:31:00.000-08:00

So, I'm gonna be a bashment star :)

YEAY!

The very, very lovely @DJCable remixed the classic 'Santa Baby' for us!

He made it Bashment and bare sexy.

Download it right ere>>> http://www.sendspace.com/file/e27vs2

And VOTE FOR HIM IN THE NGDJ Comp - If you came to Bad Intentions you know about his sets. "IT'S ALOT, IT'S ALOT"

http://tinyurl.com/yasgq9g

Sorry - I got sidetracked - the Awsome Foursome are gonna feature on it - rapping about boys and sex and shoes and how cool and fit we are. You know the AW4, right?! If not - go ere and Louks will tell you >> http://loukiac.blogspot.com/2009/10/awesome-foursome.html

So I did a CD cover

And we're gonna shoot a video - its gonna be bare sexy - santa outfits, roodeboys covered in oil.

I'm so annoyed we missed the Christmas number 1 though :(

Next year...

xxxx

Boom Bye Bye?

2009-12-18T05:49:00.001-08:00

FREE BUJU

Cah that's how the justice system works? Didn't you know?!

It worked for BOSSMAN, BBK wore a lickle tee and HEY PRESTO he was released after serving just 3 years of his 3 year sentance. WHOOP!

SO

FREE BUJU

Banton, whose real name is Mark Anthony Myrie, has been charged with conspiracy to possess with the intent to distribute an illegal substance. According to the affidavit from the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the reggae artist and two other individuals traveled to Sarasota last week to purchase a large quantity of cocaine from an undercover officer. The quantity was more than 5 kilos, which carries a maximum of a 20-year sentence.

OBVS he was smuggling drugs he's a frikkin Reggae star! To be honest, i'd think less of him if he DIDN'T smuggle drugs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai7mzkZcRsw

Mek 'im cum bacckkk :(

xxxx

Smallest willy in the world?

2009-12-17T08:29:00.001-08:00

Or just a big hoof? Either way, tuck it in love.

When I grow up I wanna be just like....

2009-12-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

Shiezel

aka

@ShizzyENT

BASIKALLY

We went Nando's and she got TABLE SERVICE.

That's how SICK she is.

AND

She helped me to create the 'NO HOMOBASE - mi nuh deal wit tongue and groove, strictkly 'ard wood'

Which still meks me laugh NUFF.

Fallah her and tell her she's a BAD 'OOMAN CAH I SAID SO

xx

Xmas timmmmeee - cameltoe and whiinneeee

2009-12-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

Oi I am BARE excited about Christmas.

True, I have no money because I spend it all on brandy, tight clothes and take-aways - so everyone will be getting one of these...

BUT at least if I use that 'tricoloure' pasta it will be red, gold and green and look all yardied urrrrp.

Reasons I love Christmas ;

Mulled wine - it doesn't really taste that great BUT its perfectly acceptable to drink it any time of day and its hot and its got spices and iron in so its good for you

Everyone is on partying!! THE best one will be DJ Yasmin's bday on the 20th - come for much hoofage

MISTLETOE - this basically allows you to lips bare people and they HAVE to do it. I'm putting it in my knickers and using my fave line "Give ah kitty ah kiss"

Presents - OBVS - are great. Because its stuff you didn't have and then you do. I love stuff.

FOOD - my mum cooks THE best xmas dinner

So basically I'm excited about the festive season.

Luvage

xxxx

PTC MEETS....... SHIZZLE <3

2009-11-25T03:18:00.000-08:00

If there was EVAH one person who personifies everything PTC find frap worthy it is the hwat boy SHIZZLE.

He does grime (swoon), he does Dancehall (double swoon) he has a gold tooth, he’s Jamaican AND he did a tune about PUM PUM SHORTS!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-SBOZWsdfc)

Sooo when I heard he was performing at Hardknock a few weeks ago I was pisssed I couldn’t make it :(

BUT

Not all was lost as I found the perfect medium to try and seduce him 1-on-1 – INTERVIEW!

Hopefully the first in a long line of PTC Meets……

PTC MEETS (aka tries to do sex with) Shizzle

1) Where have you beeeennnnnnn? We missed you! What's been going on?

Well I had to take a lil time away from the music scene as it was getting really hard to balance my personal life with being really bait. I started running into more negative rather than positive situations and before I found myself in too deep I took a step back and made time to put a lot of thought into my plans for the future and if music and all that comes with it was worth my time.

2) And are you back for good now? Don't break our hearts by leaving us again!

I am back bigger and better than ever, ready to take on any challenges thrown at me.. I honestly feel that I've made a transformation for the better because I've always had more to offer but never got the chance to show it in grime due to the restrictions (tempo wise) but now am gonna be touching dance hall also so stay tuned.. Ps. I'll leave the heart breaking to Will-I-am, Shiz is here for as long as the supporters are willing to put up with me.

3) I know you performed @ Hard knock the other week (totally sad I missed the rapeage opportunity!) - How was it being on the stage again?!

I enjoyed every minute of it, the crowd stayed tuned through out so I knew we were keeping them interested. I love to perform and to have a receptive crowd is such a bonus so yeah you missed out on a great night but there's always a next time.

4) We LOOOVVVEEE PumPum Shorts - the favoured item of clothing for the PTC - do you love girls in PPS? Is that why you wrote a tune about them?

Really glad you liked it but unfortunately I cannot take the credit for that track being created because I was just the feature on that one. Discreet suggested that she'd like to do a lil remix of 'Ramping Shop' and the best person to bring the yard style with the right lyrics was me so I got the phone call. I love to see females in PPS, so much I cannot even word it.... Hhytrfreruiioilohgd gguyui

[Hmmm I begin mentally choosing some PPS for Shizzle’s next performance]

5) Lets talk about Camel toe - if you see a girl in her shorts and there is a bit of hoofage - does it turn you on or put you off?

Any man that is turned off by this has definitely gotta get themselves checked, I won't go in too deep but let's just leave it as "nar, it’s definitely NOT a turn off"

[He loves PPS AND Camelhoof – WIN, WIN, WIN]

6) PTC are totally intrigued about your lyric 'Mi buddy thicker dan mi calf' - is this true?! *swoon*

Haha, let's just call that line a lil exaggerated BUT like the song says "I am blesssss... I am blesssss, everyday of my life I am blesssss"

[Praise jah!]

7) We love your lips - (and gold tooth and hot accent) - are you on a lipsing ting?

;) Aww, thank you... * hey mum, thanks (if only you knew what you were creating) lol *. I think lipsing is really quite passionate regardless how sloppy it is, passion isn't something I personally think should be shared with just anyone (but if you meet the criteria, here comes the passion)

[At this point I’m left unable to ask any further questions as my mind has gone off into full on fantasy mode….the lips, the lips….]

You can listen to and watch Shizzle being buff and talented at

www.youtube.com/shizzleno1

In particular check out ‘Uhrah’ and ‘The Greatest’ – my faves.

OMG

I’m more than a little in lovvveeeeee

xxxxxx

Really Logan?!

2009-11-20T04:03:00.000-08:00

Logan - your hair troubles me.

You don't fit in with the crew;

Not only are you doing a lame 'thumbs up' sign, not only do you have a terrified look on your face but you're sporting

IN 2009 - THAT'S NOT GANGSTER

Please get a new haircut and stop ruining pictures of fit emcees with your tennis player wigstyle.

Thanks

Ooh try an afro or dreds

They TRIVVVEE off it.

2009-11-14T08:15:00.001-08:00

So about 2 years ago, 2 of my friends went travelling and met some CRAZY Irish guys - and when they came home we went to visit them in ROUNDSTONE, which is a small village in GALLWAY. (Look it up - hype weekend away, truss me)

THEY BE CRAZY.

I coud blog all day about how eff'd up, fun and amusing it was but then I woudn't get to the hacktual point of my story and the reason i'm doing this ere bloggy. So the highlights were;

Learning about Brandy&Baileys - this drink will fuck your 'ole life up rooodeboy
My friends just stopping me going to a houseparty with a guy we met in the street - he was raving to his own 'head music' and trying to forcefeed me ketamine
The Irish version of 'Joey' - "How are youuu doooing?"
A guy whistling for his kids, then laughing and claiming they were "Just like dags" when they came running
A houseparty where guys were dipping spoons into bags of cocaine - I swear I thought I was in Scarface. Except it was cold, and nobody was wearing open hawian shirts
A guy at the above mentioned party making me talk to his dog. "Look into his eyes, he's a clever focker. Ah, talk to him"

ANYWAY....

My point - I did have one, swear down.

So the boys there were JOKES - and the thing that gave me the biggest jokes was the way they say

"WHAT?" - like alllllllll the time bllllaaaddd.

Like this >>> http://www.divshare.com/download/9350923-ce6

I used to call their names just to hear it.

So much so that one time I tried to get them to do it and one of the guys goes >>

http://www.divshare.com/download/9350915-dbd

"Don't be saying it, they TRIVE off it"

Pahahhahahahha I DID - I WAS HYPED OFF THAT SHIIIITTT.

MR ANON - CARRY ON POSTING YA HYPE CHAT ON ERE - CARRY ON READING WHAT I WRITE AND GETTING PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

CAH YOU KNOW WHAT,

I 'TRIVE' OFF IT

xxx

Anons Make the World go Round

2009-11-13T08:51:00.000-08:00

HIYA!

"bollox... how much hating on tha girl, how i see it, u cant hate her that much, cuz uve took time out to blog about her, soooo instead of beggin blogpost views by even mentioning her name, i say u go find sumfin else 2blog about u bunch of twats.. i mean, do any of u even have a career, a day job, 9 - 5 .. anything that doesnt revolve around this bullshit blog site? how ridiculous really.. an bout u run tings, lmfaooo which fuckin part.. always gonna be low level, BLOGPOST, bullshitting CRAP... so blog about that bithces"

So basically AHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for stopping by, taking some time out and having a read, god I love anons.

Please continue to vent as I love it when we cause offence.

PTC & HOSTILE ANONS- (don't feel left out those with premature menopause) FO LIFE. x

BUN ERRYTING

2009-11-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

So yeah, basically, if you have one of these>>

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

I can't, however, bring myself to tongue the pummi.

FUCK MY LIFE.

xxx

Whhhaaa gwan pummies?

2009-11-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

So, erm yeah. I haven't blogged in a hot minute.

SO

I shall attempt to catch you up on whats been going on in my life.

First - after due to the rampant success of my pimped snail ( http://camelhoof.blogspot.com/2009/08/all-that-glitters-might-not-be-gold-but.html )
I decided I should move onto something more substantial.

I went to check my mums bredrin as she had just bought some bare small tortoises.

THEY WERE FUCKING SICK.

But they were too small to have too many sequins pon dem PLUS they were £160 EACH. Basikally, I told her to suck out.

So then I went away with my fambily to a place called THE NEW FOREST.

I tried to tek a picture of my dad but when I told him it was going on the CamelHoof blog he started hiding. I should have been ore stealth. Bless his poor picky headtop xx

TBH I dunno why they call it a forest cah its just fields, trees and BAAARRRRREEEE ponies.

LIKE

BARE

Everywhere you go, there are nuff ponies. Imagine Hackney with the roodeboys substituted fi ponies. ITS THAT.

You have to stop the car for them:

AND they jam outside the shops saying "Oi Bruv, lend me a pound?"

The bestest thing about the N.F (not National Front #nationalfrontfidead) was a heavenly invention called "CLOTTED CREAM TEAS"

Imagine if you had a raper at the bar buying you a rum and coke, an emcee spitting about how fit you are and how good your leggings look on stage and a road rooodeboy daggering you to the sounds of Vybz >> THATS how these make you feel.

Erm, them I came home. And this stuff all happened >>

GotdrunkwenttoYazminsnightI'llblogthisseperatelygotdrunkdidntdressupforhalloweenatenuffhalvafeltsickwrotethisbloggychattedsmutpontwittahthenbarepeopleunfollowedmecunts

Lovage

xxxxxx

SBTVizzle

2009-10-22T04:22:00.000-07:00

BASIKALLY

I

HEART

SB

He is touching my heart in a way usually reserved for my PTC massive and rooodeboyz in string vests for these following reasons.

He films fit rappers/emcee's and brings them to one sex'd up location pon my screen

Click here to see video's of fit emcee's

He is on twitta even more than me

@sbtvonline

He is fully down with the PTC

He's made some FIT t-shirts (which would look infinately better on my bedroom floor Junior, hallah)

AND

He has good hair

So. PTC&SBTV - I think the only thing left to do is a collab really! So, erm...... you should come to Yaz's night on the 1st and film some hoof

xxxxxx

"Erin, why do you always go to 'Black clubs'?"

2009-10-22T02:57:00.000-07:00

Anybody pon class a's - tek weh yuself!

xxxx

PumTang Parttttaaaayyyy!!!

2009-10-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

If you want to party with the PumTang ladies then please mark the **1st November** in ya BB or iphone or diary or whatever you use to kee ya life in check.

Because our very own resident PTC DJ Yasmin is having her very own hoofilicious night! (Ang on a minute - she sooooo should have caled it that!!!)

Also playing and wearing wetlook leggings (she hasn't told them that yet... shushhhh) will be MR THING (DMC Champ / Extended Players) and MAGDI FERNANDESHIP

Music will be a load of fit shit to bring all the boys to the yard so we can shake our hooves in some crutches - HipHop, R&B, Old School and that....

ENTRY is 100% FREE!!!!!! Which means ya have more money to hunt down a PTC member and buy her a dark rum :)

Dress Code is obvs leggings, string vests and low batty jeans but failing that - wear whatever the rarse-ole you want!!

Ermmm... halla at Yas with any questions pon di twttah >> @DJYASMIN

AND BASIKALLY - BE THERE!

Mwah

xxxxxxxxx

Let me play with your hair?!

2009-10-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share with you my favouritest milky love god of all time, after Collie Buddz obvs.

Now I love mc's - I love Grimey lyrics - it stands to reason that two mc's battling it out lyrically in a basement surrounded by other mc's is enough to get me slick in ma panties.

And that's how I first discovered the sex appeal of Scratchy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqHDltr-mqQ

With his bed-head hair, heroin chic cheek bones and off the wall style - he was BEAUTIFUL.

I loved him even more when Roll Deep took over RWD Mag and he did an article on his different hairstyles. SWOON.

Scratchy, I quite wanna do some sex with you so holla - that is, as long as you don't smell - I worry you look as if you might :(

Forever Yours

Fuchsia

xxxx

You got a HOOF but are you gonna skank doe?

2009-09-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

Us PTC ladies are big fans of exercise. We mainly like to exercise our fingers by sending sexually charged tweets to grime MCs and we also like to exercise our mouths by eating hotrods as regularly as we can, but along with this we also like to indulge in things that leave us short of breath and leave our bodies pumping. Obviously daggering is our FAVORITE pastime but we also enjoy other work outs such as vigorous shopping for leggings that are too small on us (maximise the hoof), walking to KFC to buy the previously mentioned hotrods, decorating our rooms with posters of T.I and Collie Buddz and then doing things that make us break out in a sweat, shaking our hips and batties from side to side and pushing out our breasts at every buff ting to walk by and of course we aren't opposed to a bit of a (seductive) skank.

Ah yes, dancing. After all dancing is not only an excellent way to keep fit but it is also "a vertical expression of a horizontal wish" and all those other prudish ways of saying that dancing is basically sex minus the exchange of bodily fluids (unless you're lucky).

There are only 3 types of dance a PTC girl should aim to master:

1) DANCEHALL QUEEN

If we observe the above we can see that the hoof gets a maximum stretching workout as does the batty likewise. In turn this makes for a more comfortable getting down session which might result from practicing such moves up in the club.

2) BELLY DANCER

Now belly dancers can SHAKE - like a human vibrator. They move their bodies like a snake (hold tight R.Kelly) as well as managing to separate each part of their body so it shakes independently. Mastering bellydance means you'll be able to wriggle your way onto anything and, erm... MULTI-TASK.

3) SALSA SENIORITA

The best bit about salsa is that you need a partner most of the time and a lot of the moves involve legs intertwining and wrapped around your partner - it's basically a warm up of things to come - WIN.

Ballet who? Jazz where? Tap what? If it doesn't involve thrusting, pum pum/cocky contact or full body vibration then it's not dancing. Any other kinds of skanks would just be rude to be honest.

GET TO KNOW THE MOVES TO KEEP THAT HOOF IN SHAPE.

What fucking time do you call this!?

2009-09-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

Any self-respecting PTC member worth the fabric up her crack knows that all the best parties kick off late - like 12am - and when you've been up all night 'vybzin' - and when I say vybzing I mean getting daggered by boys with slitty eyes and visable boxers- you're BOUND to be too tired to get up before, like, 11am.

So how the FUCK is 12pm MIDDAY?! I only just got up fool-fool inventor of time (Is that you God, did you invent that?! 'Av a word wit yaself)

12pm is like breakfast time - 'I'm just about ready to go out in public' O'clock.

And 12am - MIDNIGHT?! Nah blad, I just got ere. 12am is more like 'I've had one-two brandy and I am at my sexual and aesthetic peak for the night' (later my hair will go frizzy, I'll start proclaiming loudly that I 'DON'T GIVE A RARSE-CLART' and my wetlook leggings will be doused in Wray and Nephews from where I tried to impersonate a Dancehall Queen on the bar)

So these times are all wrong! 12pm isn't the middle of the day - 4pm is. And 12am isn't the middle of the night - 4am is! So God, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawkings, Darwin, Griminal - whichever of you invented this time ting please rectify.

Tanks.

x

http://twitter.com/search?q=%23petitiontomovemiddayto4pmandmidnighto4am

Fight for this love>?! I would KILL you in a fight Chezza!!!

2009-09-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

Fight for love? Fight for a handbag? Fight for a top 10 hit? She couldn't fight her way out of a frikkin brown paper bag with Roni Size AND DJ Khaled helping her.

The tune is a smolchy piece of crap - swear I heard you were working with Will.I.Am? Well he either boy'd you off in a big way or he gave up. And she has some weird synthetic voice thingy.

The video is SHIT.

What fucking tune are you dancing to!? You're in some 'sexy urban' wear and krumping ya way through 3 minutes of crap. Maybe she was wearing headphones because she sure as hell wasn't dancing to that crap.

And while I'm on the subject -

Ya 'marriage' to Ashley-suck-a-dick-Cole.

So, rewind our minds back to 2003 when a young Miss Tweed is on a night out (no doubt in full velour) and manages to get in a fight with the toilet attendant, calling her a 'black bitch'.

"On the night of the assault, Cheryl Tweedy was already wasted - on vodka and Red Bull, wine and complimentary champagne - when she staggered down to the ladies' lavatories. There sat 38-year-old Sophie Amogbokpa, a black lavatory attendant, who earned a paltry £25 a night with which she funded her part-time law degree. In the course of a dispute - during which Miss Amogbokpa requested that Tweedy pay up for the sweets she had snatched - an energised Tweedy punched her very hard in the eye. In the pictures, Amogbokpa looked as if she had been horribly mugged: she suffered pain for weeks."

Taken from The Telegraph no less!

So Cheryl is a racist little prick.

About this same time rumors surface pon da net that Asley has been getting his cock sucked by Masterstepz. Stepz has a very pronounced under bite, I reckon that might make for good head?

So, 1 pop starlet branded a racist and 1 footballer announced as the only gay in Chelsea Village.

Hmmmm what to do?!

Fast forward and the pair are convienantly wed.

Guess who DJ'd at the wedding?!?!

So Ashley can carry on getting his batty jooked in peace and Cheryl can attend her national front meetings without worrying about the negative press.

"My boyfriend's black, init"

"Batty? Nah man - my girls like Miss 2009 or sumting"

WE HAVENT FORGOTTEN!!!

PTC run tings, ting nuh run WE.

Remember that CHERYL CUNT.

Outtie

xxx

Twitterature

2009-09-23T04:29:00.000-07:00

Awight?

So we played a new game today on the social minefield that is Twitter.
As Wednesday is rapidly becoming #sexday... we thought we'd write a little story to get our (creative) juices flowing.

There were a few key players, thanks guys - it was emotional.

Here goes:

Jess wasn't sure why she had agreed to this, but here she was...waiting for Carl in the penthouse suite of the best hotel in town (@blogatha)

She decided to prepare herself for his arrival and slipped out of her stiff suit and into the large tub of hot bubbly water(@fuchsiastiletto)

Typically, Carl was late, as was the hour and thus her mind wandered to what had happened the last time they... (@djhoop)

Carl glanced at his watch - 7:35 pm. the wheels of his ford transit van spun unsteadily against the tough concrete of the m25(@MrBeatnick)

He pressed down hard on the pedal, heart racing as he knew he would offend his love. installing that new sink had taken forever(@mrbeatnick)

As Carl sped to the hotel, enjoying the surge of lust that he had contained for so long...Jess' mind, and fingers, wandered down memory lane (@blogatha)

She lazily explored herself and remembered why she always kept coming back to her unavailable, yet irresistible love. She knew... (@blogatha)

...that carl was irresistible because he had a nigh perfect spiderman outfit...(@TaZzBo)

...which he suprised her with the last time they met up. As she felt the waves of excitement wash over her she heard his key turn the lock (@blogatha)

She felt her heart skip a beat, and she contemplated getting out the tub, but it was so nice in there, so she called out "I'm in here..." (@blogatha)

He carefully opened the door into the palacial en-suite and took in the heady scent of burning oils and bubbles (@TaZzBo)

"cor pet, you look dead fit" exclaimed Carl in an incredulous tone. "Owsabout I clamber in their and scrub yer back?" (@mrbeatnick)

His accent grated on her, it was true... but one sight of that ripped torso and she struggled to contain herself. "Don't say anything... (@blogatha)

...just take your clothes off" He willingly obeyed and kneeled at the side of the tub and began to kiss her neck. (@blogatha)

The scent of the bath oil aroused him, his hands caressed her body. Goosepimples covered her body as his kisses moved toward her...(@LondonBajan)

...bumhole (@guinnessdj)

"HOLD ON TO YOUR NIPPLES" he hollered (@kambo)

Carl had worked himself into quite a state by now, every inch of him was tingling with pleasure... and Jess was getting close too. (@blogatha)

She loved the way Carl could work her into such a lather, she grabbed feverishly at his glistening skin as he entered her and began to thrust (@blogatha)

Their bodies moved like pistons of desire, devouring eachother until the pleasure built up so much that Jess thought she may scream (@blogatha)

But just as they were about to explode, Carl withdrew and wildly exclaimed "THIS IS AN ART ATTACK" (@blogatha)

Jess remembered why she was hesitant to meet again. Carl was a fucking good shag but these Neil Buchanan impressions had to stop. (@blogatha)

Fin.

Hawt!

I love you Twitter x

RAWR

2009-09-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

HELLO!

CHAINED TO THE RADIATOR IN THE PTC HOUSE

swoon

2009-09-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

WE'RE THE PTC, WE'RE STOOPID FOR THIS RAP SHIT!

Luda and Premier would both get it in the face, repeatedly.

Yo, ho...HOE

2009-09-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

What's dark and smooth and makes you wet?

What can't you get enough of going down your neck?

What gets you excited and then takes you to bed?

It's RUM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Ok, so the PTC like a lot of things...

You know we like Mr. Buddz, rubbing our Vajayjays on any man with a riddim and wearing enough realfakegold to make Captain Jack Sparrow (swoooon) come 'a knockin'

BUT

There is one thing that we would gladly give it all up for.

That's right...

A bold serving of dark rum with coke and a couple of lime wedges = sex (quite literally sometimes ;)

This wonderful elixir is responsible for turning this:

Into this:

Magic, huh?

Rum is always the tipple of choice, I mean.. it makes you feel sexier, tastes like heaven AND guarantees you a good night's sleep. Who needs a boyfriend with rum around?

So yeah, I'm dedicating this post to the wonder of rum...without you our lives would be considerably less sexy (and considerably more celibate)

We love you because you love us more.

Dj Yasmin mixtape

2009-09-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

Mixtaaaaape...

You all already knew how h'exellent our hoofs are, well here be another example of our multi-talented clan. Our very own Dj Yasmin doing what she does best and dropping us a 20 min mini mix sounds of Lisa Lisa and Missy E... 20 minutes of big tunes old and new school!

See we're not just opinionated potty mouths and sought after literary gems please feel free to add musical G's to that list too. Download & Enjoy...

You're welcome.

DOWNLOAD HERE

HEXentuate ya hoof during ya workout

2009-09-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of 'The Exercise' myself - I mean it REALLY gets in the way of me eating chicken and beign daggered (Oh gash, I just came up with a brilliant mental picture of the combo though - backshots over a KFC bucket anyone?) BUT the only advantage of the gym is the bare fit outfits that allow maximum hoof exposure.

It has now been brought to my attention (by the luffy @kambo) that the addition of a lickle sweat patch can be a big turn on. Kambo has witnessed this and been kind enough to draw me a picture (below)

So ladies. when you work out ya body - WORK THA HOOOOOF!

xxx

Ansah me dat.

2009-09-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

5 questions, put out pon my Twitter. Best answers are below. I basikally LOVE most of them.

1) Hoof or Cleavage and why?

tonyblk@FuchsiaStiletto Hoof! Who doesnt prefer hoof? What Pleasure does cleavage give you really? Do i look like i wanna stare. I like a nice, warm, moist enviroment! Not feeling the residue though, especially when it dries....llow me (In depth, I like!)

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto Cleavage. Mine are 32GG. (Wooooyyyy, jealous, much?!) No other explanation needed. Thanks. X

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto has to be both, lubed hoof and pendulous sweaty dooos!

2) Tune to get your dagger on to?

tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Eskimo, infact any Grime tune. Why? cos i can release that aggressive side. them abusive ones there! Show me a woman who doesnt like a gun finger, and I'll show you a liar! (Swoon, literally fucking swoon. I'm bolding AND italicizing this one. I heart you Tony)

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hanson mmm bop. I fuckkng love blondes

Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 2)Bonnie Tyler Total eclipse of the heart Get our slow Dagger on

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto I would happily get dagger 2 this tune http://bit.ly/fJypR the lyrics say it all & the beat is sweet

hannarnia@FuchsiaStiletto n e bashment tune to get boned 2 lol

3) Bestest Chicken?

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto the colonel sanders, spicy stylee

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 3. My Aunt's Jerk - nuff said. Then Popeyes. KFC comes a very close third.

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto KFC...and my mum.

tonyblk @FuchsiaStiletto Morleys, quick ting, eat the wings n shullup, i aint taking you to grandma's. are you MWAD?

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Gyal needs to pop down to 'TakeTwo' for some Jerk chicken.... that chicken will put fire in yuh belly & love inna ya soul!

4) If you had to buy me a present to get at the hoof, what would it be?

GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto to get into it - a new fur! (I LOOOVVVE fur, fuck animals. I need your coat to look buffting so DIE)

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 4. Most likely a very expensive bottle of bubbly but if we're going all out for it, maybe a diamond necklace. (Nice, but give me Wray&Nephews anyday!)

insy09@FuchsiaStiletto whizz candy that crackles in your mouth (Could pop that in my hoof?!)

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto scarf soaked in chloroform (Works everytime! Personal fave)

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto To get in2 your hoof (no homo). I'd get you a years subscription to 'RudeBwoyz R' US'. Anyway u want them, u can have them! (Now THIS is more like it. Roooodeboys on demand?! WIN)

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto A dildo smothered in crystals that smelt of KFC and sang Jamaican love songs to you in a Yardy accent...OBVS (Now THIS is a girl that really knows me. Careful attention to detail)

Iamdjb @FuchsiaStiletto 4) rohyphnol

5) You’re starting a fashion label, what do you call it?

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto "Look at my tits, they're real. Also look at my arse, it's cracking". Would be known as LAMTTR - ALAMAIC. RRP for all - £3 (I would actually rock this label all day long, plus star in the adverts)

tonyblk@FuchsiaStiletto Fashion? awah you tek me for? last thing i wanna be doing is giving you clothes. KMT. (Sorry, wasn't listening. You had me at 'Awah you tek...' <3)

MzLamara@FuchsiaStiletto Fashion label... 'Daggerus'. the fashion line that says... When straight jooking is not enough... come fi di dagger! (Slogan is feckin brilliant)

apparentlyrich@FuchsiaStiletto 5. Big Squirrell clothing - that's trademarked btw.

Kambo@FuchsiaStiletto hoof hat deluxe

GarBelle@fuchsiastiletto Hoof Couture - made tight round the crotch for extra hoofage! (WIN, WIN, WIN!)

In conclusion -

You're all bufftings but my love PrinnyAurora gets first choice of my hoof. How do you feel girl?!

PrinnyAurora @FuchsiaStiletto WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Cheers. I'd like to thank my mum, dad, brother, Jesus, God, My producer, my bra...

Oh and PTC we need to put our logo to some of these clothing ideas!

xxx

MOTHS FI DEAD

2009-09-04T06:22:00.000-07:00

A prick cunt moth comes up to me inna di clluurb last night - about 'Got a light?' Fuck orrrrfff

I DECLARE WAR PON 'IM who eats CLOTHES. Lickle dusty rarse 'oles, living bumper car of a cunt.

If you love the light so much, GO OUT IN THE DAY YOU PRICKS

"Boom bye bye Inna moth bwoy head. Rude bwoy no promote no nasty moth, Dem haffi dead"

Follow the movement pon Twitter #mothsfidead

One love (except if you're a moth)

Romance Fi Real

2009-09-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm in love, again.

Or is it lust?

So I watched 'True Romance' again last nigth and forgot what a muther fucking badddddda'OOMAN this chick is....

Reasons why-

She dresses in HWAT clothes

She has platinum blonde hair - anyone that can pull this off is heartable.

She has sex in a phone box

She laughs at the gangster tryiong to kill her, takes a serious beating and then MURKS HIM OFF with a corkscrew.

She has a FIT tattoo (which I want by the way - replace 'TRUE ROMANCE' with 'FUCK ROMANCE, GIMME HEAD')

She was a prossie 4 times then turned wifey - fair play gyally.

She is more than a little nuts!

She calls her kid Elvis.

I want to be her, arrange it pls God.

Safe blud

xxxx

Pleasing the Pum, Twilight style.

2009-09-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

So now you can get a Twilight-themed dildo... Parents, prepare to see even LESS of your moody teenage daughters...

And here's the best part: The website suggests you store it in the fridge so it’s like you're boning a real vampire. Uhhh, right. But seriously, the target market is probably too young to buy it. But more importantly, where the fuck was all the character-themed hardware when I was growing up? I would have loved a Jack-from-Titanic one. Yesplz.

Oooh actually, a frozen Jack-at-the-end-of-Titanic dildo would be even better! STIFF.

As Carnival Weekend approaches it's time for us to practice shaking our batties

2009-08-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Who knows about Andressa Soares?

If you're a man that loves big bums then no doubt you will have seen her work. She's basically this Brazilian woman with a GIANT back off - probably bigger than if you were to join the back offs of the entire PTC. When my friend (a man with a dick and and a love for a girl with a gargantuan gluteus maximus) showed me this video, I was like "MOTHER FUCKING WOAH".

You know when Ice-Cube goes "I've got dick for days, you got ass for weeks..." Well she's got ass for fucking decades. Now over here at Camel hoof we do love our vaginas (no homo) but we also love to shake our rump (preferably in the crotch of a rapper/emcee/rudeboy/buffting) and try and do things with our bums that you only see in the videos.

In light of Carnival approaching and in light of the fact that most of us plan on drinking rum till we bleed and allowing our derrieres to be taken advantage of by any willing and able man dem who know how to grind a girl down to the very core of the earth, I think us ladies need to get some tips from the Andressa herself. Here she is in action:

Personally I plan on learning that entire routine and doing it to every song I hear. I propose we all learn it and where possible, stand against a wall in a line and do it all at the same time. So gentlemen if you wanna get down with PTC make sure your crotches are clean and available for you to force them into us from behind when we least expect it but most want it - basically most of the time.

Right I'm off to practice.

GaGa Hoofcock?!

2009-08-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

So I am overly late but Lady GaGa has a knob?! Ultimate hoof to be honest - I mean, when you're harbouring a folded cockie - that is an enviable bit of hoofed meat!!!

WIN.

Who needs a penis when you've got pum pum shaaaarrrrtssss?

2009-08-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Getting preggers by your pum pum shaaarts is a regular occurrence for hoofalicious ladies.

Gwarrrrrn guuurrrrrlllll.

All that glitters might not be gold, but it IS fucking FIT.

2009-08-14T02:02:00.001-07:00

Proof beyond all reasonable doubt that diamonds/gold/glitter are a girls best friend.

How fit?!!!!

If I can do this to a snail imagine how fit a PTC makeover could make YOU.

Simply add as many of the followig items as humanly possible and wear them with a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Schimples.

Enormous gold earrings, skin tight leggings, red lipstick, glitter, fake tan, long as possible ghetto nails, diamonds, anything jewell or sequin encrusted, anything that looks anything like Lil Kim may have once worn it, really bright trainers (Nike if possible) lycra, anything you've ever seen on Dancehall Queen.

We like this;

But with added this;

xxx

PTC motto

2009-08-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

Ladies pinch, whores rouge...PTC dagger.

That be all.

Straight up inna di PUM TANG CLAN

2009-08-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

Busy BLATES wrote this song in dedication to PUM TANG CLAN. It's flippin' called "PUM PUM PUM" - SO obvious.

In a not so real interview with the man himself he said this (his responses may or may not be lyrics stolen from this song...shhh):

Camel hoof: Hiya Busy you love pum pum init?
Busy: Gotta get that pum pum pum... *hot head! hot head! hot head!*

CH: Safe. So what inspired you to write this song?
Busy: Mi seh me love di PUM PUM PUM, mi call her fi di PUM PUM PUM, link wid her fi di PUM PUM PUM, mi love di PUM PUM PUM.

CH: Cool. so what you sayin' then, do you like PUM TANG CLAN?
Busy: Mi love di girls, mi love di gyal dem.

CH: Wicked! So d'you wanna do a remix called PUM-TANG-CLAN since the syllables fit so perfectly?
Busy: PUM-TANG-CLAN TO DI WORRRRLLLLDDDD.

So there you have it folks. you heard it here first - Busy Signal wants to get up in our belly belly belly belly bellies. Maybe we can be his his next video or summat. Thong bikini's ready, a vat of baby oil on standby and we're good to go.

The Other way into our Bosom

2009-08-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

An Oldie but I think you definitely agree it's A GOODY... The original video's track suits the grinding time to a T but with well over a million hits the record company got all legal and removed the music... So this current track that's been used to replace it is a tad gash but, I have a feeling you won't mind ;).

EVERY TIME I watch this my mouth drops literally WHERE IS THIS MAN!? How the fuck is he this good!? Who taught him!? Is there some sort of school men can enroll in for this!?

Anyhow having calmed down, finished watching the video and refocused I want to make a proposition for all you guys who may be feeling a lil left out or intimidated... we are after all women that know exactly what we want from our career's, from our music, relationships... in our men.

So you're not a rapper, you can't MC for shit, you're not Collie Buddz, you don't have a insane amount of P... there is another way to find yourself in the bosom of PTC... DO THAT. EXACTLY THAT. Don't cut any shit out, don't try improving it as I doubt it can be improved any more... just do that.

Thanks, I'm off to watch it again.

x

Expand Your Vocabulary

2009-08-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

So I learnt a new word this week because a white middle-class girl like me needs to keep ahead of the game an ting in this harsh subURBAN world, innit.

And knowledge should be spread, like marmalade and college girls' thighs. So add to the PTC Dickshunhairy my new favourite word (and if it turns out to be old and I'm the last to know it, then fuck you, don't pick on me for being slow.)

Fupa (pronounced foo-pah)

Acronym for "Fat Upper Pubic Area"; also commonly referred to as Fat Upper Pussy Area (aka. "Gunt")

Descriptive of the phenomenon common with men and women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.
You've all seen them.

Causes: Fupatitis.

Only know cure: Fupandectomy

eg. "She's bigger than the Fupapottomaus, she is a FupaSaurus Rex!"

Exactly HOW I came across this word in the first place is the worst thing:
I had to look it up after I overheard a conversation while I was in the uni library, where Fatty said to Skinny, "i bet you don't have to lift your fupa to shave".
Unfortunately she left before I worked out what she was saying - I felt like running after her, yelling "WAIT! COME BACK! Let's be friiiieenndsss!!"

Holla at them girls with the floppy fupas, keeping their hoofs safe from rain, direct sunlight, and any potential sexual encounters. You've got your own inbuilt pumbrella/floatation device/fleshy chastity belt! Some girls get all the luck.

Girl crush ahoy

2009-08-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

Erm, basically.....

I love this woman, alot.

Kezza babes, if you EVER wanna be in PTC, you can bagsie the penthouse.

Thanks to you, I have to start and finish every day with Slow Dance, or Energy, or Get Your Money Up or ANYTHING OFF YOUR DAMN ALBUM.

Big up your hoof.

Hoofkeeping!

2009-07-31T14:18:00.001-07:00

Eaaaasy!

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?"

Having a hoof is glorious, but we all know a lil' maintenance is required to keep the rudbwoys coming thick and fast (whuuut?)

I wanna talk topiary.

Some like it Au natural, with a little strimming here and there, and some like to go the full 'plucked turkey'. Either way, it takes time, money and often EXCRUCIATING pain to keep our bits Hoofilicious.

Let's take a look at some of the options available...

Firstly we have the natural look. This is actually favoured by some men (obviously women like it too as it means minimal upkeep and pain) but I personally struggle to see the attraction.

Pros: Easy and cheap maintenance.
Cons: You look like the woman in the picture and may find small animals nesting within.

Next we move onto the slightly more civilised bikini line. Some girls like to shave theirs, some immac and some wax it. Called the bikini line due to the area exposed when wearing briefs. This looks a little nicer for any unsuspecting sun bathers, and also prevents you from becoming a human sponge when you get in the water.

Pros: Fairly quick to remove the offending hair and relatively painless. Looks neat and tidy.
Cons: If your bikini shifts slightly to the side, you'll be giving away the fact that you're actually a hairy Mary and not the smooth goddess you'd like them to think you are.

Now we come to the next level, whipping large areas of hair off.

The shaven haven:

See when I was at school, the shaven haven was a legend amongst schoolboys. There would be many a tale of "mate, she had a shaven haven" when truthfully, they were lucky if they'd even seen a pair of tits yet. So as a young girl, the shaven haven was something you'd have a go at to see what it was all about.
This is until you discovered it was a FUCKING BAD IDEA. Fair enough it's a quick fix if you get some unexpected nookie, but the sad reality is that it will itch like fuck when it grows back, and you'll be slicing your pray to pieces if they attempt some morning sex.
I've heard some scary stories about ingrown hairs too yo...

Crikey.

Pros: Quick, painless and cost effective way to achieve a smooth look and feel.
Cons: Light speed and uncomfortable regrowth, for everyone involved.

A better way to achieve the smooth look and feel is to go all out and wax the fucker.

We've already covered the 'safe' bikini wax, but if you're feeling a little more adventurous we have the Brazilian. A favourite of mine, the 'landing strip' gives the men (or women) something racy to look at, and also keeps things nice and simple 'down thurr' without leaving you looking prepubescent

Pros: Looks nice and simple, good compromise between hairy Mary and porn star.
Cons: As with all pubic waxing, it hurts like fuck and you MUST exfoliate or you'll be in ingrown hair hell. Listen to your waxist, she/he knows.

Now we come the the mother of all waxes. The Hollywood.

Now I ain't gonna lie, the first time you get this done it will feel like you're having your soul ripped out of your hoof. Seriously ladies, you need to be aware that this will leave you sore for at least a day.

So yeah it's the porn star wax. Not a hair in sight. Makes the hoof keeper feel kinda saucy, but it freaks many out as you probably haven't seen your hoof looking like this since you were like, 10.

Pros: No hair, no fuss. Gives you porn star confidence.
Cons: May haunt you for the rest of your life.

And there we have it, the many ways we can keep our hoofs looking lovely.

How do you do yours?

Also, any guys reading this: what's your favourite and do you do any maintenance of your own?

Grab her hair, slap her ass, screaming like she dyin'

2009-07-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

"Little young thing go around my dick with your tongue ring...."

Baby, if you guys are gonna collab on the PTC album then we got a deal.

You're down with PTC but are you gonna yam doe?

2009-07-31T06:46:00.000-07:00

Here at PumTang Towers we are obviously very fond of our hooves, and as such we like them to get the love and ATTENTION they deserve.

Lil Kim knew it (I don't want dick tonight/ Eat my pussy right), Khia knew it (My neck, My back, lick my pussy and my crack) Missy knew it (Go downtown and eat it like a vulcha) and my girl Lish assures me that even MJ (RIP) knew it (Just eat it, eat it, eat it).

So guys - give ah pum a little kiss yeh?

"The revolution has begun and this guy KNOWWWSSS.

But don't worry baby - "Every little thing that we do, will be between me and you".....

Just making money and hoofin'

2009-07-30T09:44:00.001-07:00

Mimi just Hoofin' around...

DA HOOF A Male Perspective

2009-07-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Sooooo my boy Slagjekt did what no man has dared to do yet and aired his views on the militant, hoof touting collective that has become the PTC. Personally I'm not averse to seeing the full crumpled cock outline busting out onna breh but make your own opinions biatches!

Writing a guest blog for Camelhoof is hard enough as it is, what with all the militant filth spewing forth from the fanny-crease army better know as the PTC. But consider the fact that I'm male and you start to realise the territory I'm entering into here. Still, I'm gonna man up on some Jean Claude Van Flange levels and get it wrote, because that's what needs to be done.

So what do us penis-having motherfuckers think about the almighty hoof? Let's get a proper definition first yeah, so I seem all intellectual and shit - "Cameltoe is a slang term that refers to the outline of the female labia majora when seen through tight form-fitting clothes".

Ok, what the fuck is a labia majora? I want to know what a cameltoe is, not sit down for a 4 hour seminar with Patrick Moore about the outermost constellation in our solar system. Actually, come to think of it, that pervy old fucker might be onto something: The Great Bear - don't front girls, you know there are some of you that let your shit bush out far too much down below, what up Venus razor?; The Plough - end of the night, WKD drunk, what's the going rate for child support blackmail these days?; The Labia Majora - a wide expanse of matter which creates a vaccum, sucking in all around it, culminating in a white dwarf.

Right, that's clear then. Now, I gotta put this into perspective for us lot. There are times when my boxer shorts decide they want to go hiking and bust out of position and that is neither comfortable nor a pretty sight. Every male has been there, unless they roll commando in which case their problems lie in continual cock-chafe and I just ain't about spending the greenbacks on lotion to sort that shit out. Right, now when a guy has his nut sack going into different hemispheres, there is surely nothing as unattractive as that for a girl? Similarly, when I see some spandex slithering its way into oblivion between a girl's thighs, it's more a case of sneer than leer.

Oh fuck it, who am I kidding? Essentially every boy starts each day as that wide-eyed virgin he was when the only way he got any action was the stealth-bogle behind the girl with the big batty during "Re-Rewind" at a shit house party he wasn't actually invited to. And what do virgins want more than anything? Well, alright, they wanna fight alongside one of the X-Men and have badarse metal claws and shit, but second to that, they want vagina. They don't know what to do with it when they get it, but at least with the hoof on show, they can satisfy themselves with salivating behind their Star Trek annual.

All hail the hoof!

Abjekt aka Hoof-face Killah.

HOOF ON HOOF?

2009-07-28T02:45:00.000-07:00

I'm confused y'all...

PTC forgive me :(

Recent PTC Applicants

2009-07-27T01:29:00.000-07:00

It seems there has been popular demand from a bunch of other hoes wanting to join our sorority and the latest ladies who have shown interest in our hooves are these 2:

After a lengthy application and a serious interrogation process - including proof of hoof, hoof analysis and hoof initiation - I can safely say I think they'll make the cut. I mean, have you seeeen their dresses? These hoes are HOT. They'd be an asset to us.

And by "asset" I may or may not mean they can be our bodyguards and beat the fucking shit out of anyone who tries to bring us down.

We ain't goin nowhere. We ain't scurred of nuttin'. We're basically like the Pussyclart Dolls but better.

Oh.Em.Gee

2009-07-25T04:27:00.001-07:00

Soooooo, Collie Buddz heard our song and has kindly offered to hold a 'Private Show' for the PTC at the finest cafe in London.

Thursday 13th August 2009
The Jazz Cafe
www.jazzcafe.co.uk
5 Parkway
Camden Town, NW1
020 7916 6060

Doors 7pm

Adv £17.50

COLLIE BUDDZ & NEW KINGSTON BAND

+ FREE to all aftershow party from 11pm by REGGAE ROAST playing the finest roots and culture, Dub, Dancehall and dubstep. www.reggaeroast.co.uk

We've kindly agreed to open it up to the public, I mean, how else are we gonna get drinks? (HINT HINT)

So if you love Collie Buddz, The PTC or both (or neither and you just want to see a bunch of drunk women awkwardly rubbing their vagines on people) then come along!

WE'RE EXCITED

YOU SHOULD BE TOO

And Mr.Buddz... be prepared ;)

An ode to Collie Buddz

2009-07-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

'Suuurp?

As we all know, Collie Buddz is like a God to the PTC. Therefore, I have written a little ditty in his honour. Listen to this song first to get a feel for the melody:

Now sing along, using our new words (only got about two verses, don't watch that):

Collie Collie Buddz
How you make me moist down there
Could it be your shaven hair?
Or just because you're really, really fit?
I think that could be it
Your heavenly physique does things
I wouldn't have the balls to sing
But while my mouth is open let's *commit*

Because your 'Private Show'
It makes me want to grind my mound
How my hoof enjoys your 'Come Around'
It does strange things you see
I can sometimes feel you watching me
I like that you can see ;)

Collie Collie Buddz
Put your lips all over me
Imagine I'm your favourite weed
And take me back to your house, let's make haste
Your arms around my waist
We're singing 'Mamacita' too
I'm grinding hard right up to you
You're spellbound by my tits, I mean my face

Now I understand
What you're trying to say to me
How you want to make a wife of me
But there's just one thing you see

You won't whore yourself 'round PTC
And that's not cool with me.

*cough* As you were.

Bad boys inna London

2009-07-24T03:10:00.000-07:00

Okay okay we do share a very similar acronym to Brixton gang PDC and although we are very similar here are a few key differences.

We don't wear bullet proof vests because they flatten your titties
Our gardens are actually green as opposed to the one in the pic above because we water our flowers and trim our hedges, get me
We don't carry arms because carrying a shottie in lycra just makes it look like you have a huge penis
Last but not least, we need boys like the above daggering US! (See below post)

PDC and PTC unite - we'd make some beautiful fucked up babies.

Daggering fi di HOOF

2009-07-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

As lovers of bashment - aka the music that is all about hoofs - big hoofs, little hoofs, fat hoofs, tight hoofs and every other kind of hoof known to badmankind - I thought a post about the most popular thing to engage in in the dancehalls/ramping shop, more commonly known as, "DAGGERING" would be appropriate.

So as hexplained above "daggering" is basically grinding but to a next hype kind of level. Go on youtube and watch the videos - it is where you're practically having dry sex and where a man repeatedly bangs his erm, "member", into your batty until it breaks. No lie.

So a couple of us had the fucking brilliantly genius idea of entering a daggering act into next year's Britain's Got Talent (we better fucking win babez). It's basically gonna be members of/all of PTC, getting "daggered" on stage by a bunch of Jamaican rudeboys.

Like we needed an excuse.

So yeh here's a couple of daggering anthems for you lot to practice grinding your hoofs to:

(Ladies please note: it's best to practice with a boy so call up your local Jamaican rudeboy to come over and get daggering.)

Please vote for us when we blates reach the finals.

Safe.

P.s. Any prospective daggerers apply within. Weirdos need not apply.

HOOF MARKS THE SPOT

2009-07-23T03:19:00.000-07:00

PTC logo.

Need I say more?

THE HOOF, THE HOOF, THE HOOF IS ON FFFIIIRRRRREEEE!

2009-07-23T01:54:00.000-07:00

PCT STAND UP!!

Its mixtape a gwwwaaannn

Our very own resident dj DJ Yasmin shall be using her hoof to spin some lady fire tracks and we shall design a totally off the hoof mixtape cover.

I think this could make us ladies - Collie Buddz will soon be belling us up asking if he can come on our Radio1 show. I'll prolly give him a little slot provided he makes us his hareem of baby mamas.

Tune ideas?

Ooh and we should totally get any of our music contacts to do us those little "this is Jay-Z and you're listening to my ladies the PTC' thingies.

I'm actually so excited, I think a little wee just came out.

Gotta get up the nerve to get my swerve on

2009-07-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm basically dying of swine flu. In my mind however, I am drinking cosmo's and gyrating my hoof in the most sex goddess like way....

THIS IS WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE IN THE PTC HOUSE

BIG PUN - like a giant vagina but different.

2009-07-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Contrary to the title, this post is not about a big fat giant camelhoofin' vagina.

It is obviously about a much-loved big fat giant rapper who left this wicked world as a victim of his morbid obesity.

R.I.P PUN.

Your name meant vagina.

You could've been our mascot or somethin mayne.

But anyway since we PTC gals love Latin American music, more specifically Reggaeton and we love 1990's rap music I can't help but feel slightly gutted that Pun missed out on the hey day of reggaeton.

At least he left us with this banger before he ate himself into oblivion:

TUUUUUNE.

Cherry Poppin'

2009-07-16T10:02:00.001-07:00

I've realised that writing your first blog entry is sort of like entering a swimming pool:

On the one hand, you can carefully introduce yourself to it, step by step - OOH COLD! MY NIPPLES! - until you adjust to the temperature... Or you just cut the bullshit and jump, sending your huge ass into the water and, with any luck, crashing into some old butters wearing a swimming cap. (It goes without saying that the second option is the best of the two.)

Even better, you can think of it like losing your virginity: in which case, I've been a frigid bitch, holding off on actually doing the deed (I've been without internet, and Blogger sucks out on iPhone, sorry) but now I'm here, innit! And I'm nervously fumbling around, blindly sticking things in holes, and inevitably I will feel a little confused and vulnerable in the morning.

So PTC, add another notch to your bed-post, because you have violently busted in this blogging hymen. Holla at your girl... and can I have my pants back please?

Cheer Up Boys

2009-07-14T19:13:00.001-07:00

Now I've been noticing a lot of negativity and sadness on the twitter recently, namely coming from 3 big dawgs in the game:

I understand it must be really difficult waking up in the morning to a hot mami with a tiny waist and an ass like woah, reading all those zero's on your bank balance, bathing in Cristal before you put on your limited edition Kanye x Louis Vuitton sneakers and iced out chain then rolling out the yard in your blacked out Range sittin on 34"s.

CUDI I know the fame gets a bit much for you, but you'll get used to it, you're a trooper, now get back out on the field.

FAB, I'm not sure what your deal is but I miss the happy FA-BO-LO-US, get your head back in the game and sell some rekkids.

And you, yeah you DIDDY, or is it PUFFY now? Make up your fucking mind. What you so sad about? Cassie got bored of your pencil dick already? I'm sure there's a million model chicks dying to be R&B singers that would jerk you off for a six figure advance so crack a smile would you? And while you're at it take that stupid toothpick out of your mouth, it didn't catch on you toolbox. You have absolutely fuck all to be moaning about.

The Radiator Files

2009-07-14T18:34:00.001-07:00

Our very own house mother, Fuertes 'The Foul-Mouthed Filipina' Knight, coined the phrase "he'd get tied to my radiator" as a way of showing her affections towards certain males (mostly rappers).
Ever inspired by Fuertes, I felt it compulsory to compile a list of some sexual beings that would standardly get tied to the radiators in our Sorority house.

1.T.I
Anyone who's ever come within ten metres of me will not be surprised by my first choice. My aim in life is to obliterate any existence of that wretched pig he calls a wife and be his ride or die bitch for life.

2. Idris Elba
I personally don't see the big hoo-ha with my fellow Brit Idris but many a girl on road would standardly give him babies, this one's for y'all.

3. Brody Jenner
Look at that smile! Look at that jawline! Look at that bank balance! Yep Brody Jenner is fit and he knows it but he won't be so smug when I crank the thermostat on that radiator.

4. Tyson Beckford
Do I need to explain?

5. Method Man and Redman
These guys are more than just sex objects for us ladies to lust over. These two men have depth and substance. Their rapping skills go without saying and they've got jokes. I could definitely see these guys staying up all night rolling spliffs and dashing henny in our cups while we all sit and reminisce about the Wu Tang days. I think these two would be allowed off the radiator and promoted to the cupboard....maybe.

A Sorority Girl's Prayer...

2009-07-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

Our Father, Who art in heaven (with Luther, Biggie & MJ)

Hallowed be The Name Pum Tang Clan;
Thy mandem come,
Thy will of the Beta Taf Kappa be done,
on earth as it is in the house of Pum.
Give us this day our daily P, Hoodrats and Chicken
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we smite those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation, unless the entire sorority is present and counting
but deliver us a bounty of successful rappers with our own personal starring roles in their videos and deliver un to us an ample selection of eye rape worthy men... Collie Buddz, Tyson Beckford, Reggie Bush and so on...

Amen.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of Beta Taf Kappa : "We hold these truths of the PTC to be self-evident, that all rude boys are created to worship our every single move, grind, weave-a-lish and acryliced up rude gyal selves."

God bless Remy Ma, God bless PTC

PTC Sisterhood Sorority Dunknow

2009-07-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

As discussed on twitter aka our current place of residence as a group:

Who wants to buy us a house?

Let it have baaare fried chicken shops near by.

Let it be on a road where rudeboys "hang" aimlessly with their hoods up even though it's not raining.

Let it be a place where we are only allowed to wear nipple tassels and diamante hoofalicious under pants.

Let it have a shrine to every female rapper EVER.

and so on and so forth....

*SIGH*

BETA TAF KAPPA

2009-07-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ...........

SO, after much hype and deliberation, it has been decided that the PTC will move into a sorority house - BETA TAF KAPPA (PTC in Greek for all you uneducatedz)

Situated in the Hollywood Hills (or wherever Mariah Carey does her videos) it shall be a beacon for borderline alcoholic chola mamis across the globe, the epicentre of all things hoof.

Here is a list of a few fixtures and fittings that will feature as standard, the PTC will add to it as and when they think of more. We'll be auditioning for a little home help in the near future, so if you're a hot young man with a nose stud, a checkered past and MTV base aspirations...come on over, we'll make you famous....

OK so here goes:

UPDATED 14/07/09 By Blogatha

Collie Buddz wallpaper

Rubicon sprinklers

MTV Base '100 Greatest slow jamz of all time' playing in all bedrooms 24/7

The RnB garden, with bronze sculptures of TLC and a Disaronno fountain

The doorbell will play Jay Z's Big Pimpin' in it's entirety

Are you one of those?

2009-07-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ladies, have you ever been on a few dates with a guy, felt that tingling on the inside, only to find out under all that charm and swagger he's one of those? Now don't get me wrong, I feel for all you men out there that lack in the penis department, but accept your *ahem* shortcomings, buy a vibrator and step your sex game up. There's nothing worse than a guy whose equipment can only be described as short and fat, who also thinks that girth is gonna get you there. Because truthfully baby, you can shove that sausage roll in as hard and fast as you like but those moaning sounds you hear aren't from pleasure, but from the uncomfortable sensation of having our pussy lips being pushed in and out at rabbit like speed.

Word of advice for the women: next time you get into the bedroom and see something similar to the picture above, shake your head and say, "I didn't know you were one of those" and walk out that door. You're only looking out for number one, afterall.

Heather's Hoof

2009-07-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here and watch Eastenders and await the Heather Trott pregnancy storyline to unfold my hoof is twitching with jealousy at the fact that these days Heather motherfucking Trott's hoof has been getting more action than mine?!?!?!?!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

What does she have that I don't besides for my-perm-has-dropped hair, the body mass of a small whale and an apron thing which seems to have fused itself to her body?

Don't get me wrong, I do love Hevs & I'm sure there are parts of her which would secure her a place in the PTC however whilst she gets sore on a regz me and my hoof spend our nights on twatter trying to outwit every other fucker going.

It's just not fair.

EXCLUSIVE HOOF: SOLANGE KNOWLES! HERO!

2009-07-08T12:45:00.001-07:00

clickclickclick

CHARLI "CHUCK" BALTIMORE

2009-07-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

...is a fucking G. Whatever happened to her? Apart from being the other woman bumming Biggie that Lil Kim parred, she ended up mainly being 'that bird what had pink hair in Murder Inc'. She's cocking amazing- I'm sorry...trash tattoos, shocking pink hair, pout looks like she's permanently screwing/ trying to hold a pencil between her nose and top lip and a voice like a top end mafioso? YES...all of y'all remember this piece of summer genius too...

If you see Chuck scrounging chicken wings out of bins on the streets of Philly return her to the Pum Tang Clan please. Ta.

MYSPACE REVIVAL

2009-07-03T15:28:00.001-07:00

Please, please, PLEASE can we all start using our Myspaces again?

Remember the glory days when we would spend all day on there, smugly smiling to ourselves when we nailed a sick layout? Agonising over top friends? Taking 4560 pictures just to get one money shot? Squealing uncontrollably when we successfully found our favourite song to add?

Myspace pages are so much more user friendly than Wastebook or Shitter (from a viewing perspective, not so much the editing function these days, oh and you can't get many full length tracks but WHATEVS)

I digress.

LET'S BRING IT BACK, DON'T LET IT DISAPPEAR.

www.myspace.com/blogathachristie

You know what to do.

ZOE GRIFFIN, FUCK OFF

2009-07-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

Now we're not about gunning other women over here at Camel Hoof but fuck you if we can't change the rules once in awhile? Case and point Zoe cunting Griffin. If you're about involuntarily vomiting and reading about important culutral events such as 'Lady Gaga goes to Superdrug to pick up some Canesten combi' or 'Justin Timberlake sneezes' then please do check out her steaming faeces heap of a blog here

http://www.zoegriffin.co.uk/blog/

If however you're not a fan of vacuous, sycophantic (my word of the month yo) BORING, poorly written, Perez Hilton wanna-fuckin-be, mindless pap then steer clear. She is proper blog cancer. I mean...

"I am the UK’s coolest party girl. I only go to the best parties and I am at the heart of the action when I’m there. I don’t get starstruck by celebrities because I’ve met all of the biggest stars already."

Oh we're so impressed babes...you should've stayed and admirably rotted to death at The Mirror rather than pursuing a career as an official ass licker. Fall back bitch.

Just to lighten the mood init.

2009-06-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Bit of nostalgia here for you... Secondary School I.T. WHY?

Secondary School I.T. lessons were just an excuse to do nothing, or catch up in the wasteful hour on homework due in for the next period... well that was the case at my school (also called the Pikey Dump) I remember being taught where to place my fingers on the keyboard I still know that but everything else I learnt from "eating chicken and chips and going on msn" as Afrikan boy would say.

God bless you Year 10 I.T. of doss magic, the throwing of various shit at each other, tasty gossip i.e. figuring out whose going out with who or who got caught with whom dry sexing on the grotty acidic stained 'I Luv Billy 4eva 01' tables in the science rooms and my personal favourite wondering how whats her name managed to "wipe the wrong way" after being told of dubious stains and smells in the cooch department earning her the name 'Feaces Flange' (as she was so kindly dubbed by a friend and I that used to be inseparable.)

However, the best was finally realising the magic of the Internet... searching for stupid things on the net like those ring tone codes you could type into your Nokia 3210, (I had the Ruff Riders Anthem *cough*) actually that was bangin, I want that monophonic kick ring tone back!

This is by far the best of it though, AMAZING. I read it again with fingers toes and hair (platted) crossed in hope it would still be as hilarious as it was when I was 14, and omg YES. I fucking LOVE 'Black People Love Us!' if you have never see it... where've you been and for those of you that have... take a walk down memory lane at some of the sheer genius from this amazing oldschool website.

I wish I had remembered this website when that prick from uni decided to argue with me about the fact that he felt that HE was completely warranted to grope MY hair and give me an S.S. style interrogation on just why my hair was as it is...

"Johnny calls me "da man!" That puts me at ease. It makes me feel comfortable, because I am Black and that's how Black folks talk to one another."

"Sally loves to touch my hair! She always asks me how I got my hair to do this. That makes me feel special. Like I have magical powers!"

"Sally and Johnny are always going on and on about how Tiger Woods changed the face of golf, and the Williams Sisters changed the face of tennis! On and on...like, almost for too long!"

Check the testimonials, nuff people getting upset. I love the slow witted, they're always amusing times.

Remember these...

PTC Stand Up Part 2.

2009-06-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

So since some of us are STILL being quite emo and considering self-harm / feel like throwing our Macbooks at people's heads / cutting people with our nail hextensions, (I hope it ain't just me) I think we need another Collie Buddz treat.

This ones dedicated to all the haters (aka lesbian feminist cunts):

This ones a warning to every fucker who feels the need to piss any of us off today:

And you BEST BELIEVE I will rise it pon your rass QUICKTIME babez.

ONE Love. x

PTC stand UP

2009-06-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

This week so far seems to have been one of many emotions for the majority of the PTC.

So, a treat.

Spend those glorious 3 mins 27 seconds imagining yourselves on that wall with him, giving him an awkward 'sexy dance'

*Swoon*

In my humble opinion...

2009-06-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Katie Price/Jordan (who ever the fuck she is today) is a DICKHEAD

No need for me to recap the latest shenanigans following her recent break up, but I just want to say a big HA HA HA to all the ladies who thought she was a 'shrewd business woman' and not an awful, inconsiderate, uneducated slag.

How can you write a biography in your twenties? All you've ever done is get your tits out and shag Z-listers. I've had better reads in club toilets.

To everyone giving her props for her various 'empires' I hope that you can see now that the moment she ignores her management (the real brains behind her success) she manages to spoil all these years of unwarranted fame in one week.

SHE WAS NEVER CLEVER INNIT!

Peter, enjoy your impending super stardom.

HOLLA MR INVENTOR!

2009-06-23T03:26:00.000-07:00

So, I ALWAYS think of bare sick-a-lick things I’d like to invent but my technical ability stops short at changing the batteries in my iPod and checking the oil in my car. As such this is a CALLING ALL INVENTORS post. Make some of these y’all?

Twitter Teleporter – so’s I can send stuff, real solid stuff, through Twitter. Because I’m always hungry and people are Twitting about buff food and I NEED them to send me some. Oh but can it have some kind of breathalyzer attached so’s I don’t twit myself into MC’s rooms when I’m drunk and try and rape them up?

Hover Board – I’ve been waiting for this ish since Back to the Future part 1. I’d look sooooo cool on a flying board with my retro kicks on. GET ON IT!

Magic Glass – so that I can, at the press of a button, make the back window of my car say “IF YOU GET ANY CLOSER TO MY CAR I WILL BITE YOU IN THE FACE – Beeeliieee dat” Oh, and also a massive mallet on a spring like in cartoons so that if they ignore me I can shoot it out and punch their windscreen in.

Hummm…. I can’t remember any more right now, will get back to you.

Thanks in advance – holla if you need me to get you some sticky back plastic or a pritt stick to aid the process.

One love

xxxx

Facebook is a cunt

2009-06-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

Sooo I know how we all love a lil casual racism... seems Fassybook has jumped on the bandwagon- "What ethnicity best matches your dating needs?" do I become a fan of this casually racist quiz and get it into 'Highlights' ??

Why are we still using Fassybook? I won't lie, I like a good stalk of an ex or that bird whose Heinz sponsored skin makes me wonder if my already brown skin needs more sun attention but I would feel so much better about subscribing to it's constant stream of shit (with people now becoming fans of air, water and breathing) if all of that bullcrap was wrapped in this neat package... We're all cunts.

Honestly wish FACECUNT was real I've tried signing in and everything...

Hmm signs that I need a job and more of an eventful weekend right hurr.

Get Your Nails Did.

2009-06-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Many of us hoof hoes are big fans of nail hextensions but to make ourselves even more ghetto I think we should get us some of these:

We won't be able to kick anyone in self defense if we ever get chased down the road and neither will we be able to play 5 aside football on a Sunday afternoon but we WILL be able to say "Oi you lot man, you wanna go for coffee after we get a pedicure and our toe nails did?"

Erm...Win much?

Hoof made easy.

2009-06-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

It appears that there are a few ladies that have a problem with the content on this site. I think this could be down to a number of reasons:

1) You need to get out more
2) You need to get laid
3) You have too much free time on your hands (try putting that to use and get to know your hoof)
4) You have not yet experienced the sheer unadulterated liberation that comes with sporting your very own camel hoof.

If your answer is 4, allow me to be of service.

I know you may find camel hoof a bit intimidating at first, but once you catch a glimpse of your defined labia in all its glory, and feel that 'it hurts a bit but in a good way' sensation... you'll be wondering why it took you so long to get on the hoof wagon.

To ease you in gently, follow my three step 'Beginners guide to hoof' plan. This plan will enable you to perfect your hoof in the safety of your own home.

Let us begin...

Step 1: Find an old pair of thin jersey bottoms, (PJ's work best)

Step 2: Put them on, and stretch the sides up all the way up onto your shoulders

Step 3: Find a mirror, and admire your hoof in all its glory (if it burns a bit, you got it)

Once you feel comfortable with your hoof, go and buy some leggings (the tighter the better) and pull them up high. This look is best pulled off with a screwface and heels.

Mix things up a little with different fabrics, Jeggings, wet look and animal print work well, but don't forget to have the Canesten to hand.

Now you're ready to hit the streets, go and show the World what you've been hiding all this time.

Enjoy!

Good grammar > good manners?

2009-06-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

Wuddup Muffragettes?

Just got back from Spainland and feeling a lil' hazy.. but I feel to start a discussion.

We all harp on about guys with manners, you know, the ones who hold the door open for you, the ones who say please and thank you etc.
When we do find one, we're like "oh em gee, he's so sweet, paying for dinner, not drop calling me so I call him back" and so on.

Alas, what a dilemma we are faced with when we get the text:

"Thanks for tonite, cant beleeve we had dinner their. Your quiet good at pool too, although I think we need a re-match 'cos I can't be loosing to a girl! I'll be in touch in the week when I'm not so unorganised"

Now, I don't need to go into detail about the numerous mistakes in that example. This isn't a spelling bee, and I'm not expecting every man to be the next Stephen Hawking (although he is a buff ting) but seriously, am I the only one who thinks that bad grammar has a direct correlation to being a wasteman?

Maybe I'm a complete bitch, and maybe I don't care. But what would you rather, a guy that knows how to use the English language, or a guy that holds the door for you?

I'm sure there are many men who can do both (holla at me, yeah?) but if it came to the crunch - which one is more important to you?

I'd like to end this with an excerpt from one of my favourite hoof anthems..

"Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up your vocab"

SLY REJECTION?

2009-06-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Mr Buddz, why must you shun us so?!????

@LoukiaC Bless, Genie told me bout the interview but right now I'm very busy and can't. Love u all and one day we can make it happen ;)

Still would get it 1000000000% though - if you need a baby mama - holla, PTC have a selection of multi-cultural beauties for your every womb requirement.

All the Buddz our pums desire

2009-06-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so a MASSIVE progression has been made on the getting-to-sex-up-and-interview-Collie-Buddz front.

Twitter, god love it, allowed us to get in touch with DJ Genie - who just HAPPENS to be the sexlord that is Collie's DJ.

We did it a little something like this... (Imagine a 'RUN DMC ' soundtrack here if you will...)

US: OI GENIE BLUD, we rly rly rly want to meet up with Collie Buddz so that we can show him how buff we are and ting. Can you have him holla at us.

HIM: I'll see what I can do.

US: SAFETY ROOOODEBOY.

HIM: (Tweets) "Shout out to my UK ladies @FuchsiaStiletto @LoukiaC @Bwalya_ they go hard! lol" (I'm not sure why he lol'd as we clearly do go as hard as something very hard, like a stone surface)

Plus then @DJYASMIN backed us to the FULLHEST - "tell @DjGenie if he doesn't let the Pum Tang Clan interview @colliebudz I'll challenge him to a spin off and end his career."

Ooh Yasmin, girl you bad - good-bad like Christina A in that hot video where she looks like a hot little puerto rican tramp.

But in conclusion - for bringing us one step closer to our goal..........

Pum Tang Ladies heart DJ GENIE - I.D.S.T.4.E.M

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Things I proper wish I was doing volume three.

2009-06-17T04:20:00.000-07:00

What I'm currently doing: Planning to become a WAG (Lend me your Juicy anyone?), talking about rude boys with red-eye in stolen whips that end every sentence with the word "still", promoting hustling on the streets and prostitution, advising everyone not to stay in school and not go to Uni, sending gay emails, listening to Cat Stevens, drinking the world's strongest coffee, planning my pregnancy by an MC, stalking Collie Buddz and finding ways we can get him on the blog, trying to find all the slags that Collie Buddz has touched and eradicate them from the face of the Earth, discussing rum shots, wallowing in my lack of responsibility, thinking of ways to accidentally rob a bank, tweeting profanities and other such good things in life.

What I'd rather be doing: Nothing hactually.

Things I proper wish I was doing Vol. 2

2009-06-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Collie,

From the Pum Tang Clan I'd like to just say babez we love you... one if not all of us would be more than happy to walk around your yard bare feet in a moo moo heavily pregnant with your child.

You are the light of our life and you can give us all the green you like to shot for you... we'll grind in your videos and cut any bitches that try to take you from us. We urgently beseech your twitter attention so you can realise just how endearing and fucking awesome our vagetastic camel hoof movement really is.

Please be our baby daddy, invite us to Bermuda to jam with you then serenade us with your sweet sweet dancehall flavour.

Love PTC

Things I Proper Wish I Were doing

2009-06-17T03:03:00.000-07:00

Searching for celebrity camelhoofs pon tha net – The day I see the Queen Mother or Barbara Windsor (virtually the same person) with a stonking fat camelhoof is the day I can die happy. Or at least not depressed and wondering where I went wrong in my life.

Playing rounders in the park – actually, maybe I’d rather play basketball because although I’m well shitters at it (due to my sports apathy) it does seem to attract the most lush men. Footballers pale in comparison to a 7foot tall ‘Baller’. Ooh Wee. Plus the outfits are better.

Listening to these three tunes on repeat – Cam’ron – Silky, The Lovely Shystie – Pull It, Skepta & Giggs– Look Out – while chain smoking Marlborough Lights and practicing my skank in the mirror.

Stuffing my face with any of these foods – rusks, peacan & maple danish pastries, houmous and pitta bread, chips and mayo

(1:1 weight ratio), rich tea biscuits dunked in tea with 4 sugars. Convenience, YO.

Stalking my ex boyfriends on Facebook/Twitter/Myspace – and hoping that they aren’t happy in any way and that if they do have new girlfriends that they are ugly and shit in bed.

Online shopping – because I’m too lazy to hacktually drag my ass to the shops and try shit on. I’d rather wait for it to arrive and hope it doesn’t make me look like Bianca Jackson holidaying in Ayia Napa as most of my clothes usually do.

Things I am HACKTUALLY doing:

Writing this blog, sat at my incredibly messy desk, drinking green tea – apparently it can shift my thunder thighs in time for holiday. Doubtful.

Turn your swag off and die,

2009-06-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Men of the world,

As the lone male voice in the Camel Hoof movement, I come before you bearing a message of great wisdom from a world of glorious hollyhock scented pum pum in which you will never know. No I am not the chosen one nor am I the "les-bro" messiah who has come to lead you misguided souls to this Island of amazonian hood rats . Contrary to popular belief I do not have all the answers , but I do know one thing. If ever you desire to see the promise land of pum, you need to DEAD the word swagger. If you have any sort of respect for yourself , you will shove the word in the closet, handcuff it's hands behind it's back, tie a rope around it's cock & balls and let it die of auto erotic asphyxiation in a hotel room somewhere in Thailand.

The clan has spoken and they see right through that insecure confidence and over inflated sense of self importance. They know you are overcompensating with brash bravado to make up for the size of that half eaten Tic Tac you refer to as your penis. They know you were the morbidly obese kid in the high school that got his tits pinched by the footballers because they thought those 45 inch nipples of yours would produce rice milk, strawberry Jello, or a delicious custard of some sort. IT IS OK.

However, it is not OK to marinate yourself in a bath tub full of AXE body spray and Old Spice Swagger before you hit the pub.club, disco, or local brothel (even hookers have standards). The fact that any girl with half a brain and a decent sense of smell can pick up your aroma from 4 blocks away should be an indication that you are putting a little to much effort into the concept of "cool". The thought of some honky in an all weather purpose du rag and a 4xl Averix jean jacket (sorry Westwood) using the word in every other breath is truly a slap in the face to the forefathers of cool. Can you imagine Miles Davis, David Bowie, Prince, or even someone like Mos Def jiggin over to the dance floor, creeping up behind the first fat ass in a pair of heels he sees, and whispering "What it do ma...i gotz dat swag" in the ear of a poor drunk soon to be rape victim?

As a man I do understand the importance of confidence, bravado and preserving ones ego. But, as SMART man I also understand the concept of reality. The reality of the situation is that most men who feel the need to write SWAG across their foreheads in permanent marker, are either remarkably delusional, self absorbed or an insecure fuck boy who spends his parents hard earned money on buying The Pum Tang Clan round after round and shot after shot. You can pop champagne all night long and drape yourself from head to toe in the finest Ed Hardy/Affliction rhinestone t-shirts you can get your grubby little hands on, but wallowing in your own "swag" and looking like Jim Jones WILL NOT get you anywhere near the pums of my fellow staff members.

That is unless you are in fact Jim Jones, in which case all my fellow staff members would more then likely fuck you. Well not Yasmin...she is more of Juelz Santana fan