"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?"
Having a hoof is glorious, but we all know a lil' maintenance is required to keep the rudbwoys coming thick and fast (whuuut?)
I wanna talk topiary.
Some like it Au natural, with a little strimming here and there, and some like to go the full 'plucked turkey'. Either way, it takes time, money and often EXCRUCIATING pain to keep our bits Hoofilicious.
Let's take a look at some of the options available...
Firstly we have the natural look. This is actually favoured by some men (obviously women like it too as it means minimal upkeep and pain) but I personally struggle to see the attraction.
Pros: Easy and cheap maintenance.
Cons: You look like the woman in the picture and may find small animals nesting within.
Next we move onto the slightly more civilised bikini line. Some girls like to shave theirs, some immac and some wax it. Called the bikini line due to the area exposed when wearing briefs. This looks a little nicer for any unsuspecting sun bathers, and also prevents you from becoming a human sponge when you get in the water.
Pros: Fairly quick to remove the offending hair and relatively painless. Looks neat and tidy.
Cons: If your bikini shifts slightly to the side, you'll be giving away the fact that you're actually a hairy Mary and not the smooth goddess you'd like them to think you are.
Now we come to the next level, whipping large areas of hair off.
The shaven haven:
See when I was at school, the shaven haven was a legend amongst schoolboys. There would be many a tale of "mate, she had a shaven haven" when truthfully, they were lucky if they'd even seen a pair of tits yet. So as a young girl, the shaven haven was something you'd have a go at to see what it was all about.
This is until you discovered it was a FUCKING BAD IDEA. Fair enough it's a quick fix if you get some unexpected nookie, but the sad reality is that it will itch like fuck when it grows back, and you'll be slicing your pray to pieces if they attempt some morning sex.
I've heard some scary stories about ingrown hairs too yo...
Pros: Quick, painless and cost effective way to achieve a smooth look and feel.
Cons: Light speed and uncomfortable regrowth, for everyone involved.
A better way to achieve the smooth look and feel is to go all out and wax the fucker.
We've already covered the 'safe' bikini wax, but if you're feeling a little more adventurous we have the Brazilian. A favourite of mine, the 'landing strip' gives the men (or women) something racy to look at, and also keeps things nice and simple 'down thurr' without leaving you looking prepubescent
Pros: Looks nice and simple, good compromise between hairy Mary and porn star.
Cons: As with all pubic waxing, it hurts like fuck and you MUST exfoliate or you'll be in ingrown hair hell. Listen to your waxist, she/he knows.
Now we come the the mother of all waxes. The Hollywood.
Now I ain't gonna lie, the first time you get this done it will feel like you're having your soul ripped out of your hoof. Seriously ladies, you need to be aware that this will leave you sore for at least a day.
So yeah it's the porn star wax. Not a hair in sight. Makes the hoof keeper feel kinda saucy, but it freaks many out as you probably haven't seen your hoof looking like this since you were like, 10.
Pros: No hair, no fuss. Gives you porn star confidence.
Cons: May haunt you for the rest of your life.
And there we have it, the many ways we can keep our hoofs looking lovely.
How do you do yours?
Also, any guys reading this: what's your favourite and do you do any maintenance of your own?