So as I sit here and watch Eastenders and await the Heather Trott pregnancy storyline to unfold my hoof is twitching with jealousy at the fact that these days Heather motherfucking Trott's hoof has been getting more action than mine?!?!?!?!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?
What does she have that I don't besides for my-perm-has-dropped hair, the body mass of a small whale and an apron thing which seems to have fused itself to her body?
Don't get me wrong, I do love Hevs & I'm sure there are parts of her which would secure her a place in the PTC however whilst she gets sore on a regz me and my hoof spend our nights on twatter trying to outwit every other fucker going.
It's just not fair.